


Stay

by Twilightmom505



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-03
Updated: 2012-06-03
Packaged: 2017-11-06 17:05:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 38,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twilightmom505/pseuds/Twilightmom505
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on Stay by Sugarland. Bella is introduced to Edward and immediately feels the electricity. Unfortunately, Edward is married. Bella becomes THAT girl, the 'other' woman. Will she be strong enough to let him go or will she get lost in Tanya's shadow?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at Fanfiction. The title and overall theme of this little story comes from Sugarland's Stay but will have references to a few others. If you haven't heard it, Jennifer Nettles does an incredible job - and the video makes me cry every time. I love music of all types but Country music just tends to tell great heartbreak stories! I did not have a Beta for this and tried to catch as many typos as possible, but I'm sure a few got through. 
> 
> As many have said - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just frequently fantasize about Edward.

Chapter 1

September 13, 2010

Cuddling with Edward was my favorite past time, well maybe my second favorite past time. Feeling his arms around me made me feel safe and secure and loved. When I met Edward, I was blown away at the electricity that flowed between our bodies. It was a connection I had never felt before and he swore he'd never felt it either. Being with Edward was all consuming – everything else ceased to exist. Our relationship was almost primitive. The absolute draw we held for each other was indescribable.

6 months earlier

I was assaulted as soon I walked in the apartment after work that Friday afternoon. "Bella! Hurry! We are going to be late if you don't get a move on!" Rose was absolutely freaking out in a very un-Rose-like way.

"Rose, I just got home and who care really cares if we are late to this party?" I asked with a smirk, knowing something was up. Rose never lost her shit like this.

"Bella, don't!" She sound exasperated. "I told you, I really like this guy and I promised him we would go to Ecl…I mean his party and I really want to be there on time, Bella so PLEASE just go get changed."

"I give Rose! I'll go throw on jeans and we can head out." I said as I started walking down the hall to my room.

"No!" Rose sounded almost panicked. "No Jeans, we are supposed to dress up for this."

"Rose," I whined, "I do not do parties that require dressing up and you know that. You are the one that wants to impress this Emmett guy so why are you torturing me?" I was giving her a hard time and she was getting pissed but trying hard not to show it. I love fucking with Rose.

"Bella, I know how much you hate this stuff - but this is very important to me and I really don't think it will that pretentious – I mean Emmett is the big teddy bear with NO manners so I promise – you will have fun!"

"OK, Rose – I'll go and dress for it – just this one time and you will owe me!" I said as I continued to my room smirking to myself - I love it when she thinks she owes me.

Once in my room, I stripped down to my bra and panties and stood in front of my closet. I really did not own many "nice" clothes. I had jeans and work clothes but nothing dressy. I finally spotted a blue dress in the back of my closet. I had bought it for a formal my ex-boyfriend, Jacob insisted I attend with him. It was really pretty and I thought it might be a little much but thought 'what the hell.'

I slipped it on and realized the bra wasn't going to work, so I quickly slipped it off and gazed at my reflection. I never thought I was ugly, but never thought I was pretty either. Tonight, I felt fabulous! The blue silky fabric clung to my curves and fell about mid-thigh. The halter style accented the cleavage I really didn't have but certainly looked like it in this dress. Quickly I found the silver strappy sandals that were a little higher than I was comfortable with because I was more than a little clumsy - but for a pretentious party, I could hold up a wall or something if necessary.

I walked out of my room and Rose wolf whistled. "Bella – you look H.O.T. – on fire, blazing hot girl!" I giggled and said, "Rose, what? Don't I always look hot?" I teased. She grinned at me, patted me on the ass and dragged me out the door.

She drove us and pulled into a parking lot I wasn't familiar with. As soon as I realized it was a club, I gave her the death stare. Rose actually shirked away from me – she knew I'd be pissed. "Rose what the hell – you said this was Emmett's party."

"It is his party Bella, He owns the club and this is the grand opening." She stated. "Please don't be mad Bella – you are my best friend and I know I tricked you – AND I shouldn't have – I know I get it – but this is important to me." She finished, out of breathe.

I laughed. "Rose – IF you would have just said that to begin with – we could have saved ourselves all this… angst. You are my best friend and if it's that important to you – you NEVER need to trick me, Rose. THAT is why I'm pissed. You didn't have enough faith in me and our friendship to trust I would have even shopped for this HAD YOU BEEN HONEST!" I almost shouted but still grinning at her. She was my best friend but more like a sister- we were soul mates in the friendship kinda way and I would do anything for her.

"You shop? Bella – really YOU would have shopped?" She was almost rolling on the ground. "You NEVER shop – you HATE shopping." She gasped out still giggling.

I playfully hit her ass and we walked towards the club arm and arm. When we got to the door, there was a line that extended down the block and around the corner. I groaned, not wanting to stand outside in these shoes all night. As if she could read my mind she announced, "We are supposed to be on the guest list." She sounded very nervous as if she wasn't quite sure her name would be there and you could feel her shaking when she said. "Rosalie Hale, Emmett Cullen said I'd be on the guest list." The bouncer grinned and said, "Of course Ms. Hale, Mr. Cullen is expecting you." Rose's grin widened and she stopped trembling. The bouncer waved over to someone else and the really cute blond, curly headed guy came over.

"Hi, I'm Jasper Whitlock – you must be Rosalie." He stated very confidently as he looked at Rose.

"Emmett has done nothing but drive us all crazy this week! Rose, this - Rose, that!" He was laughing and Rose looked a little sheepish.

I quickly said, "Glad to know I wasn't the only one who went crazy this week!" He glanced over and said, "Ah – you are Rose's roommate, Bella! Emmett is looking forward to meeting you." I looked at him and gave a hesitant smile.

He led us to the back and up a flight of stairs that was labeled VIP Only. Okay – I was beginning to be impressed. As we ascended the stairs I began to feel butterflies. I don't know why but the current in room was just so strong and as we reached the top I felt as the wind had been knocked out of me. The VIP lounge was stunning. A discreet bar in the back corner, leather couches on the perimeter, tables of varying heights scattered randomly in the middle and of course a small dance floor opposite the bar. But that wasn't what took my breath away. It was the tall bronze haired man that was sitting a table just in front of the stair case. It was almost as if he felt me enter the lounge. He looked right at me and our eyes just locked. His eyes were the deepest shade of green I had ever seen. After what seemed like an eternity but what really only seconds, he broke our trance and looked back at the absolutely drop–dead gorgeous strawberry blond bombshell sitting across from him.

Rose pulled on my hand breaking the spell I was under and we wandered over to a sitting area. Emmett stood up and all of a sudden picked me up and twirled me around. "Bella! Rose has told me so much about you and you and I are going to be great friends!" A little dizzy after being twirled – I toppled a little when he sat me back on the ground. Jasper caught me and made sure I was stable before introducing me to Alice. This 5 foot nothing bundle of energy that was his girlfriend, AND Emmett's sister. Alice was also very sure we all would be the best of friends. The five us sat around talking and generally having a great time. I could see exactly what Rose saw in Emmett and within 5 minutes I knew – Rose had met her match - literally and figuratively. They were perfect together.

The waitress brought another round of drinks and I traded my empty beer for a full one. Emmett also ordered a round of Jager for everyone. I was feeling no pain and having a great time. I was laughing at something Emmett had said when the green-eyed god and his goddess walked up. I was truly trying not to drool. I hope I was successful. Emmett introduced them as his brother Edward and his wife, Tanya.


	2. Internal Battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting old and learning new things is not always as easy as it should be. Really excited to see people actually reading my little effort! Thank you. And thank you to those who commented. Who knew they would make me giddy.
> 
> Please excuse any boo-boos - I've read - re-read - and re-read again - yet the moment I post, I find missing words. They were in my brain every time - just apparently didn't make it to the page.
> 
> Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I just hope she lets me keep having my little Edward fantasies cause man they are fabulous!

Previously

The waitress brought another round of drinks and I traded my empty beer for a full one. Emmett also ordered a round of Jaeger for everyone. I was feeling no pain and having a great time. I was laughing at something Emmett had said when the god and his goddess walked up. I was truly trying not to drool. I hope I was successful. Emmett introduced them as his brother Edward, and his wife, Tanya.

Chapter 2

"Damn! Of course he's married. I never get lucky!" my inner sex goddess proclaimed. She really wanted this man.

And she was right, we never got lucky. I hadn't been with anyone since Jake and I ended our relationship about 10 months ago. She was never satisfied with Jake. She preferred her "rabbit" over him any day. And I must admit she wasn't all that wrong about it. Jake loved me – and I did love him but I was not passionate about him. No matter what he did – I rarely got worked up with him enough to cum. The few times I was able to reach that peak with him – it was directly related to fantasies that he was not a part of. Looking back, I can see Jake and I should have never been more than friends.

Edward's eyes locked with mine when Emmett introduced us. "Hello Bella, It's very nice to meet you."

'Damn - his voice is sexier than his hair and eyes.' The goddess mused.

"Nice to meet you, Edward," I squeaked out. I was struggling with my composure as our hands met when he offered his to me to shake and I felt the energy flow between our bodies. Trying for it to not sound like an after thought, I turned to his wife and quickly said, "and you as well, Tanya." She didn't even acknowledge the fact that I had spoken to her. I shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes at her blow off and Edward laughed – out loud - at this reaction. I would guess most people didn't like being ignored by Tanya, or really anyone, but Tanya and people like her were the reason I hated these types of places. She walked around with an air of superiority and entitlement. I hate people like that. Life's too short to waste on people like this and I refuse to let them get to me. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I refused to give others my consent.

Unfortunately, they decided joined us and another round of drinks was ordered. Tanya just sat next to Edward ignoring everyone, even Edward's brother and sister. Edward joined in on the drunken conversation we were engaged in and I could feel his gaze on me the entire time. It was all I could do not to invite him into the ladies room for a quickie. "Oh to hell with a quickie," my inner goddess mused – "we could lock the door and go for hours. To hell with everyone else, they could use a different restroom." I was truly thankful his wife was sitting next to him or I just might have done something really stupid. Finally after an uncomfortable hour, Edward and Tanya said good-night.

Rose, Alice and I all hit the dance floor for a while trying to sweat out some of the alcohol we consumed. Nothing sucks worse than a Jaeger hangover – except maybe a Tequila one. Eventually Rose and Alice left the dance floor to find Emmett and Jasper. I stayed out there dancing with…I looked up at the blond guy and tried to remember his name. Oh hell, who am I kidding – I have no idea what his name is and don't really care to find out. I left the dance floor and went back up into VIP area straight to bar for a bottle of water. Rose was there with Emmett and they were extremely cozy on the couch. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out; she was going home with Emmett and was going to be on my own. I made my way over to the horny couple and let Rose know I was going to go home. She offered me her car keys but I declined quickly. I had been drinking fairly heavily and would never get behind the wheel of a car. I was raised by a cop, after all. And anyway I have a brain, even when drunk; drinking and driving is not cool.

After we all said our good-byes, I made my way down the stairs and towards the front door. I glanced back over my shoulder to wave at my roommate and new friends and when I turned around, I ran right into a chest. A very, very nice chest I might add. I looked up and began apologizing profusely and then our eyes locked again. There, in front of me, was the green-eyed god from earlier, sans wife. My inner goddess got a little giddy – she was not well behaved when plied full of alcohol.

"Exx-cuse me," I stuttered out. "I was waving goodbye to my friends and should have been paying attention where I was headed".

"Well hello again, Bella." His voice was as sultry and sexy as I remembered from earlier and I was sure there would be a swimming pool where I stood in a matter of moments.

"Edward, it's nice to see you again so soon." I managed to say – hoping I didn't sound like a teenage fan-girl. This guy was just too hot to be real.

"You aren't leaving are you, Bella? I was hoping to spend a little more time with you, get to know you a little better." He smiled a crooked smile and was sure that a swimming pool didn't hold enough – there would be a freaking lake where I was standing.

"Well, Rose is ditching me in favor of Emmett and since I've been drinking I can't drive and I don't want to wait too late to take a cab home. I don't like being in cabs alone."" I stumbled through an explanation. Why I felt the need to explain, I don't know. This man made me lose all sense I normally possessed.

"Well, it just so happens, I have not been drinking and would love to take you home." His eyes smoldered. I tried to ignore the obvious double entendre – with little success.

Barely containing the urge to jump on him right there, I quickly said, "That would be very kind of you but I don't want to put you out." Of course I wanted to put him out or pull him out – of his pants right now. The goddess mused. Man I needed to get her laid, by something other than a battery operated devise… or a married man.

"Bella I assure you, it is no problem and in fact I insist. As one of the owners of this fine establishment, I can't have you leaving here alone - it's not safe." He smirked.

The goddess was celebrating and doing the happy butt dance. She was sure she was getting some of this fine specimen. But then the brain engaged and I remembered the drop-dead gorgeous wife that had been with him only a few hours earlier. 'Damn' the goddess moaned in disappointment, I think she would have kicked my brain's ass if she could have. I'm not sure she realized that even the brain was disappointed in itself. It was wishing we went for more Jaeger instead of the bottled water last time. Damn, hindsight is 20/20.

I'd been so caught up with the brain / goddess battle that I didn't even realize we were walking towards the door and we were just about outside. I immediately stopped our forward progress. "Well Edward," I began, "as much as I appreciate your offer, I really must insist on going home alone. I really do not know you and something tells me you are probably more dangerous than any cab driver I might meet." Oops, a little of the inner goddess got out and was flirting.

Of course he didn't stop walking with me or trying to convince me to let him take me home. I tried, unsuccessfully, to hail a ride home so after about 15 minutes I began walking. Staying here with this man any longer than necessary was not going to end well, for anyone.

At this point Edward was getting pissed. "Bella, you sure as hell can't walk home!"

I tried to assure him that it really wasn't that far and I was fairly certain that I would find a cab soon.

"Bella," he said some what exasperated, "This is ridiculous, I know we don't know each other well but I do know your roommate is important to my brother, making you important to my brother and by default, important to me."

Hmmm, I thought to myself, maybe I was misreading the signals he was sending. I looked at him and could see the lust and desperation in his eyes. Nope, not misreading those signals.

"Bella, I WILL drive you home and you can come willingly or I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you." I stood, stunned, and looked at him incredulously – what is his problem?

"What the hell is your problem Edward? You don't own me, you are married to a fabulously hot woman and I am a grown woman who is fully capable of taking care of myself."

"Bella," he almost moaned my name. Yes definitely a pool party in my panties now! "For some reason I feel protective of you and I meant what I said. Get in my car or I'll put you there…your choice." I turned to walk away from him and true to his word; he threw me over his shoulder and carried me to his car. I was just too stunned to fight him – and more than a little turned on.


	3. Call From Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ms. Meyer owns all - but I am so grateful to her for fueling such great stories and in turn my Edward fantasies!
> 
> This is longer than the first 2 chapters but it really needed to be. Lemon alert and I ask that you be kind to my lemons - I am married with 2 teenagers and I'm old and my memory sucks! LOL -
> 
> Thank you to those who have reviewed! I appreciate them even though I haven't responded to any yet. Please keep reviewing. I am really thrilled to have so many hits and quite a few added to favorites and alerts. I hope I can get this story down on paper like I see it in my head. It's really good there!

Previously

"Bella, I WILL drive you home and you can come willingly or I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you." I stood, stunned, and looked at him incredulously – what is his problem?

"What the hell is your problem Edward? You don't own me, you are married to a fabulously hot woman and I am a grown woman who is fully capable of taking care of myself."

"Bella," he almost moaned my name. Yes definitely a pool party in my panties now! "For some reason I feel protective of you and I meant what I said. Get in my car or I'll put you there…your choice." I turned to walk away from him and true to his word; he threw me over his shoulder and carried me to his car. I was just too stunned to fight him – and more than a little turned on.

Chapter 3

Edward pulled the keys to his car out of his pocket and used the remote to unlock the doors. He opened the door and sat me in the front seat looked at me with fire in his emerald eyes and told me to stay put. I was still too stunned to even consider moving. He was around the car and in the driver's seat before I could gather my thoughts. The electricity that I felt earlier in Eclipse was flowing freely in the car. I have never met anyone that caused this kind of reaction before and I knew I had to get out before it was too late. He's married for god's sake. While I personally think she is a major bitch, I am keenly aware of just how beautiful she is. I didn't not see myself as ugly and had turned a few heads and garnered a few cat calls, I was nowhere near that caliber of beauty, on the outside at least.

I calmly – okay, probably not so calmly – reached for the door handle to escape. "Edward," I tried to keep my anger and lust, if I'm being honest, in check. "What you just did is so far out of my comprehension. I do not even know you, yet you feel compelled to throw me over your shoulder like a caveman and force me to get into your car. I don't know if you are aware but my father is a cop and this," I waved my arms around to illustrate my point "is kidnapping!" I was having definite problems keeping the anger at bay. "I'm getting out of this car now and you are going to go home – TO YOUR WIFE!" I was shouting now.

"Bella," Edward interrupted sounding almost desperate, "I know we don't really know each other, but you can't deny you feel it, I see it in your eyes." I hesitate a little before climbing out of the car. Now he is almost begging "Please, Bella, please" he leans over the console, "just let me get you home. I know I'm married but I feel pulled to you, and I can't live with myself if something were to happen to you."

I just stare at him knowing what I should do. I should walk away and never look back.. The inner goddess is battling with the brain and the brain is losing. I know what will happen if I get back in that car. I never thought I'd even consider becoming THAT girl, the other woman but Edward was right. I did feel it. It was like he had a direct connection to my soul. I wanted him in ways I had never even fathomed. I wanted his body, his mind, his soul – his heart. But they belonged to Tanya. Stupidly I made a decision that would probably be the end of me.

"Fine, Edward." I quietly mumbled. "You can take me home."

I should have said so much more. Like 'you can drop me at my door' or 'driving me home is as far as this goes' or anything that would put a stop to thoughts of anything between the two of us.

Edward breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you Bella."

The ride home was quiet, save the electric hum present in the car with us. I had no idea what kind of car it was, the way I was unceremoniously dumped in it, didn't give me the opportunity to notice. Not that I would have noticed anyway. When we got close to my building I finally spoke.

"Turn right up here, that's my building." I tried to sound controlled when in reality I was anything but. Hopefully he would have more control than I was capable of.

When he turned in and immediately found a parking place, I knew that he didn't.

I still had to try to get out of this with my sanity. "Edward, thank you for the ride home, you really don't need to get out. I can make it safely from here." My shaky voice made it obvious I was pleading with him.

"Bella," his voice was breathless "I'll just walk you to your door and I'll go. I promise."

I knew it wouldn't end there but was finding it harder and harder to care. I sighed, resigned. "Fine, Edward."

We walked quietly into the building, both of us obviously battling with ourselves. We stepped into the elevator and I pushed the button to take us to the 8th floor. We weren't touching, but I could feel the heat radiating off of him. My inner goddess was getting giddy. My brain was struggling, unsuccessfully, to calm her and talk some sense into her. Here we are standing next to a man, albeit a god, who I had just met, with his wife, barely said more than hello to, who had man handled me to get me to let him take me home and I was more than likely going to invite him in; to my home, to my body, to my soul and to my heart. I used to think I was an intelligent woman. I was a 4.0+ student in both high school and college. I didn't sleep with random men. In fact, I had only been with Jake and only after we dated for two years. I have a great job as an editor for a small publishing company and I am working on my first book, which I have already sold. Life is good. Why am I considering this – setting myself up for failure – heartbreak?

The elevator doors opened and we stepped out. I fished my keys out of my bag and unlocked the deadbolt. I put the key in the bottom lock and tuned it. I looked up at Edward who was standing there awkwardly.

"Thank you, Edward." I said quietly thinking I might actually get out of this. "It was very gentlemanly of you to make sure I got home."

"Bella, I can be called a lot of things right now," his said as his eyes darkened "but a gentleman is not one of them."

And with that, he bent and kissed me. Kissed me doesn't accurately describe it. He ravished my mouth. The kiss was searing and full of passion, want and need. I don't remember opening my mouth to him but our tongues were dancing. Somehow we ended up inside the apartment with the door closed. The next thing I knew I was up against the door with my legs wrapped tightly around his waist. I did not make a conscious decision to do this really; the electricity was guiding me, maybe guiding both of us.

"God Bella" Edward moaned. "I've never wanted someone like I want you right now."

He emphasized his point by grinding his bulge into my center giving me the friction I so desperately sought.

His mouth attacked my neck and my bare shoulders. I loved my little blue halter number at this moment. I moaned, "Oh god, Edward, I want you. Now," I was demanding and not ashamed of the fact.

We were both fully clothed at this point but apparently that didn't matter. Edward reached down and ripped my panties off of my body. Not going to lie, it hurt a little bit and pissed me off. Those were my favorite "feel good" panties. The inner goddess told me to shut the fuck up. She was happy – she needed him to stroke her a little, ok a lot, and she wanted it hard and fast and NOW. Ripping them was faster than taking them off.

Somehow I missed Edward freeing himself from his pants but I was pulled from my inner musings when his cock pushed at my entrance. .God. This was really happening. I braced myself for him but he never pushed forward.

"Bella, do I need a condom?" He breathed ruggedly.

"No, I'm on the pill and don't usually do this" I sounded as desperate as I felt.

I heard what sounded like a sigh of relief and then with one quick thrust – he slide home. I gasped at the intensity of feeling him fill me. And fill me he did. I'm not saying he was porn star big but he was definitely longer and thicker than Jake was. I didn't have a lot of experience but I can't imagine anyone ever felt better than I did in that moment. I felt whole for the first time in my life, which was strange because I was pretty damn happy with my life.

"God, Bella, you are so wet for me, so tight, so fucking good."

"God Edward, faster, please fuck me harder." I begged him yet again.

With those words, Edward began to slide in and out of my wet heat with abandon. His thrusts were long and hard and incredibly fast. We were both moaning and grunting with each stroke. It was a very primal experience. He slammed his thick cock into me over and over and I could feel the tension beginning to build in my stomach. It built rapidly and within a few seconds I was screaming out as my orgasm began to take control of my body.

"Oh god, Edward" I grunted out. "Fuuuucccckkkk, so good, don't stop – god please don't stop."

I didn't think it was possible but Edward began to thrust into me harder and faster and then I felt him stiffen a little as his orgasm hit. No words were uttered but he grunted like an animal in the wild. Somehow, I knew that was a very good sound.

After a few minutes, he lowered us both to the floor, never pulling out of me. He leaned against the door with me straddling him trying, in vain, to catch our breath. I felt like I had just run a marathon. I was covered in sweat, his and mine and was gasping for air.

After a little while, Edward finally spoke.

"God Bella, I don't know what just happened but I can tell you it was the best experience I have ever had." He was still breathing heavy.

I didn't know how to respond so I just gave him a breathy "mmmm."

"I don't know what this is Bella, but I know I don't want to lose it," he continued. "The way you make me feel, I don't know how to describe it really – I just feel whole, alive – like I found something I didn't even know I was missing." He bent to kiss me and I could feel his cock hardening inside of me. He thrust up into me once and then picked me up off of him. I was confused and feeling very rejected in that moment.

"Edward, did I do something wrong?" My voice was lusty and shaky at the same time.

"God no, Bella, I just really want to get you out of that dress and into a bed. Now." He gave me a crooked grin and I melted on the spot.

I stood up and grabbed his hand as he stood and led him towards my bedroom. Once we were in there, he put his hands on my shoulders to stop my movement and I felt his hands move softly on my skin across my shoulders and under my hair and then the tie around my neck loosen. The mood had changed from one of desperation to one of peacefulness. The movements this time were more like a graceful ballet. Soft and strong.

The halter top on my dress fell forward and Edward brushed his hands softly down my arms, never letting his lips leave my skin. When he reached my wrists, he slowly brought the left one up to his soft lips and placed a kiss on the inside of my wrist. He let go of my wrists and brought his hands to my waist and softly trailed up my sides, grazing the sides of my breast.

I hissed at the contact. After the mind blowing orgasm only a few minutes ago, I was turned on just as much as I was as he fucked me hard against the door.

"God Bella, you are so soft." Edward moaned into my neck.

I just moaned. I had no words.

Slowly he turned me around. He pushed my dress down off of my hips and it pooled at my feet. He stepped back a looked up and down my body like he was worshiping it.

"Bella, you are beautiful" his breath was shallow.

I reached out and pushed his shirt up and he helped pull it over his head. His body was even more amazing without clothes. His well-defined muscles left me breathless and aching for him even more.

"Edward, please!"

He needed no more encouragement. He backed me up until I felt the bed behind my legs. He slowly lowered me down and moved myself up the bed as he crawled seductively to me. He placed wet, open mouth kisses up my body and lowered himself between my legs. I could feel his length slip between my slick folds and I moaned again.

"Please Edward, I can't take anymore teasing. Please I need you inside of me" again, I was begging.

Slowly he pushed into me and I breathed a sigh of relief. The need I had for this man after only a few hours was incredible. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring but for now, with him buried balls deep in me; I couldn't bring myself to care. I lost myself in our lovemaking. Because while the first time was hard core fucking, this was love making. His slow deep thrusts, his gentle caresses, his kisses all told a story in that moment. It was a story I knew wouldn't have a happily ever after but for this moment I allowed myself to get lost in the sensation.

"Edward, oh god, I'm cumming" I breathed out.

"Bella, cum for me, cum with me" he finally begged as he pace quickened and his moves became more erratic.

There were no screams or grunts this time; just pure pleasure and gasps as we reached our climax together. The feel of him pulsing inside of me as he released into me while I contracted around him was like nothing I had ever experienced. I did not know that an orgasm could be so intimate but this was more than intimate.

We lay there, tangled up in each other for a while. Neither of us speaking – there was no need. Our bodies had said everything for us. After a while, I heard an unfamiliar ring tone from the living room. Edward quickly crawled out of bed and dashed into the other room where we left his pants. I crawled out of bed, slipped into my robe and started to follow him, which I regretted immediately.

"Hi love!" Edward said into the phone.

My heart sank. I had almost forgotten about the beautiful wife. I had allowed myself to think maybe it was a bad marriage. She was a bitch after all. But hearing him call her 'love' told me I was wrong.

"No sweetheart, I just gave a couple of people a ride home. I'll be heading home to you shortly."

I turned to walk back into my room and hide in the bathroom. I couldn't let him see me like this, on the verge of tears.

"I love you to, baby – see you in a bit."

My heart broke in that moment and I ran the rest of the way to the bathroom. Maybe if I stayed in here long enough, he'd just leave and I wouldn't have to face him.

"Bella, are you okay" He asked through the door.

Taking a deep breath and steadying myself, I tried to respond nonchalantly. "Edward, I'm fine – just cleaning up a bit." Another deep breath "If you need to go, I understand." Exhale.

"Bella, I can't leave without seeing you."

Resigned, I took another deep breath and opened the bathroom door. There he stood, fully dressed, looking like the sex god he is.

"I'll walk you to the door." I said, hoping I sounded calmer than I felt.

When we got to the door, he leaned down and kissed me softly.

He whispered on my lips, "When can I see you again."

I froze. I couldn't see him again. It was killing me after just one night. I couldn't be his mistress. I couldn't do that to myself.

He seemed to sense my hesitation and kissed me softly again.

"Bella, I don't know what this is but I need it, I need you like I need the air to breath. Please, please we will figure all of this out but you have to give us a chance. You felt it all as deeply as I did. Please Bella." His eyes searched mine for the answer. I knew he had it the second he looked into mine. His soft smile said he understood.

He handed me his phone and asked me to program my number in. Without a word I entered it and handed the phone back to him. Softly he kissed me once more and walked out the door.

I locked both locks on the door, turned around. leaned back and slid down the door with tears flowing freely. How I held them in for so long, I don't know. I needed this man and something told me I would never be able to have all of him.


	4. Dying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns all things twilight - but I love to play with them!
> 
> I am thrilled at the traffic I'm getting on this story and appreciate your support.

Previously

He handed me his phone and asked me to program my number in. Without a word I entered it and handed the phone back to him. Softly he kissed me once more and walked out the door.

I locked both locks and slid down the door with tears flowing freely. How I held them in for so long, I don't know. I needed this man and something told me I would never be able to have all of him.

Chapter 4

September 13, 2010

Today is my 26th birthday and by far the best one I've ever had. Edward had made plans to stay with me all night, which is a rare occurrence. As I lay here in Edward's arms, sated, in the afterglow of our lovemaking I can't help but think back over the last six months of my life.

The first night I spent with Edward both awakened and destroyed me in a way. I could never picture myself as the other woman but that night changed everything. I cried for hours that night after he left. I was still lying curled up in a ball by the door when Rose came home the next morning. I was so distraught; she thought I'd been attacked the previous night. Finding my ripped panties in the middle of the foyer didn't help that thought any. After I filled her in on everything that happened with Edward and then made her swear that she would never breathe a word to anyone – especially Emmett, she held me as I cried. She didn't like my relationship with Edward, but she kept her promise. No one knew. My friends contributed my over the moon happiness to my first book that was now at the printer. Sure that was exciting, but the ridiculous happiness came wholly from stolen moments with the love of my life. I was sad that I couldn't share this part of my life with any but one day soon I hoped to shout it from the roof tops.

Edward stirred a little next to me and I snuggled in closer to him. I didn't need to look at him to know he was still asleep. His breathing was steady and deep and his body was relaxed. I didn't want to sleep because I knew this night would be too short to satisfy my ever growing need to be with him. The sun would rise and my perfect little fantasy would come to an end.

Edward promised me we would be together forever but he had to figure out how to end it with Tanya. In my mind, it should have been simple but then again I wasn't married. I didn't make those vows before God, my family and friends. I had spent the last six months cherishing the moments we were together and dreading the call that I knew would always come. They were constant reminders that she held a part of him I didn't. He would meet me for lunch and she would call to remind him to pick up his suits at the cleaners. We would go to dinner and she'd call to ask how much later he was going to have to work. She was used to his long hours. Edward had been working as an attorney specializing in property law for several years. That is what brought him into the partnership with Emmett and Eclipse. Emmett had been talking about opening a club for the trendy crowd for a long time and when the foreclosure of this building came across his desk – he knew it could be the perfect location for their endeavor.

His dedication to both of his jobs is what gave us our time together. Tanya never suspected a thing – of course she didn't – she thought Edward was perfect. Emmett and Alice never spoke harshly of her and frequently invited them on our outings. Of course on the rare occasion that the invitation was accepted, I would find a reason to miss that little outing. Rose knew why but we didn't think anyone else ever caught on that I never went when Edward and Tanya went out with our group. At Rose's suggestion, I bagged on them a couple of other times just to be safe.

Tonight was one night I didn't have to worry. He told her he was going out with some old college friends and that they were going to get a room downtown so they didn't have to worry about getting home after they had been drinking. He had taken me to Franchesco's, a little Italian restaurant in Everett, which is about 30 miles outside of Seattle. Of course Edward attracted attention from the opposite sex everywhere he went and tonight was no exception. The hostess was practically undressing him with her eyes and the waitress did the same. He didn't even notice. When they showed us to our table, Edward asked for something a little more private and then we both sat on the same side of the booth instead of across from each other. It was a wonderful evening.

"Edward, it's beautiful, here help me put it on." I said excitedly as I handed him back my gift; a beautiful platinum bracelet with a crystal heart dangling from it.

"I'm glad you like Bella. It's a family heirloom. It belonged to my grandmother." He was giving me that sexy little smile that always melted my heart and made my inner sex goddess swoon.

"Oh Edward – are you sure?" I asked shyly wondering why he never gave it to his wife.

"Bella, I'm sure you have my heart and I want you to remember that." He whispered softly. "I want you to be reminded every day that no matter what – you own my heart and soul – I truly love you, Bella."

I wanted to cry. He loves me. He said he loves me! I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him and tell him how much I loved him, so that's exactly what I did. He held me close for a moment and then we heard someone clearing their throat. We looked up at our obviously irritated waitress who asked Edward if SHE could get him anything else. Edward looked at me and questioned, "Just the check?" wanting to know if I was ready to go. I nodded and he told her we'd take the check but he never looked back up at her. He pulled out cash and placed it in the folder and we got up from the table.

We bought a bottle of wine then drove back to my apartment. He wanted to get a room at bed and breakfast but I wanted to feel like normal couple tonight and going to a hotel just made it sleazy in my mind.

When we arrived we cuddled on the couch, drank wine, talked and made out like teenagers. We were kissing and grinding against each other for what felt like hours and it was wonderful. Tonight there was no hurry. Clothes began to come off and he picked me up and carried me to my room. We made love hard and fast and then slow and easy and then he fell asleep holding me in his arms. Like I said, Best. Birthday. Ever.

I felt his breathing change and looked up to see his green eyes staring sleepily at me.

"Mmmm Bella, I was afraid this was a dream." his voice was husky and thick with sleep.

"I'm afraid to sleep because I don't ever want to wake up." I whispered as I reached up to place a soft kiss on his lips.

"Bella, tonight I am all yours and you always have my heart and my soul." He said softly as he brushed his hand over my wrist that held his gift.

I placed a soft kiss over his heart earning a satisfied moan from Edward. That spurred me on and I continued kissing his chest crossing from one side to the other, stopping to gently nip at his nipples and lap at them with my tongue. Edward's moans grew more fervent and I smiled against his soft skin. I began working my way down his glorious body, through his happy trail that was the same glorious color as the hair on his head.

"God Bella, what you do to me" he panted out as his hands went to my head and his fingers began to tangle in my hair.

I kept going lower until I reached is very prominent erection. I placed a kiss on the tip of his cock and was rewarded with a shudder from Edward. His hands tightened in my hair. I gripped the base of his shaft with my hand, knowing that he would have very little control once I wrapped my lips around him. I placed a long lick up from base to tip and without warning, took him fully in my mouth.

"Fuuuccckkk, Beelllaa" he moaned breathlessly.

His hands gripped my hair even tighter as he helped guide my mouth up and down over his cock.

"God your mouth is incredible, Bella – so warm, so wet."

I grazed my teeth lightly over his cock as I pulled up and he hissed. "FUCK'

His hips started bucking up into my mouth erratically and I alternated sucking and licking. My hips began to thrust seeking friction of any kind. I didn't know sucking a cock could be such a turn on – but Edward taught me that feeling pleasure as a result of giving pleasure was natural.

Without warning, Edward pulled my head up and then flipped me so I was under him. His knees gently urged my legs apart and entered me swiftly.

"Ung, Edward" I moaned as he thrust in and out of me hard and fast.

I could feel the pressure building quickly. "More, Edward - please." He pulled out of me farther, leaving only the head of his cock inside of me and then slammed back into me. I was struggling to get my legs higher on his hips to feel him deeper. He realized this and picked up my left leg and propped it on his shoulder. I wrapped the other tightly around his hip. "Fuck me faster Edward." I moaned as he continued to slam into me at an agonizingly slow but hard pace. He began moving faster while slamming into me hard enough to move me up the bed.

"Oh god, Edward, don't stop," I breathed heavily, "I'm cumming."

That's when the pressure turned to nausea. A now familiar ring tone was trilling on the dresser across the room.

"Fuck" Edward said in frustration. "I'm sorry Bella."

He pulled out of me and I immediately felt the loss, both physically and emotionally. He was really going to stop making love with me to answer her call.

He crawled out of bed and walked across the room.

My heart sank and the nausea I felt when I first heard her ring tone became more pronounced.

"Hey, love." He answered the phone

My heart cracked as he walked out of my room to talk to her.

I ran into my bathroom and leaned over the toilet. Everything I had that evening came back up. Tears were flowing freely down my checks and falling into the bowl. I knew he was leaving me to go home. Home. The one thing I wanted more than anything; him to come home to me. I realized in this moment that it would never happen. I would never be the home he came to it would always be her. I would always be THAT girl and in that moment I despised myself, I despised him and I despised her.

I knew what I had to do if I was going to salvage any of myself at all.

The knock on the door startled me and brought me back from my thoughts.

"Bella?" he whispered

My heart broke clean in two. I didn't answer.

"Bella, are you okay?"

Deep breaths

"Bella baby, talk to me."

I steeled myself and opened the door. He was dressed. He was really going home.

My heart shattered; the tears flowed freely.

"Bel…" I held my hand up to stop him from speaking.

I walked around him, squeezing myself between him and the door frame, trying desperately not to touch him. I made my way over to the dresser where he had placed his wallet and keys. I fumbled with the clasp but eventually removed the bracelet and placed it on top of his wallet. I was dying on the inside and trying to make myself numb.

I picked up his keys and removed the one for my apartment then placed them back down on the dresser. I didn't look back at him; I couldn't without losing my resolve. I walked out into the living room and sat on the couch just staring at nothing. I was fighting to keep it together. I had to keep it together. I'd given him the very best of me but would always be second best in his life.

He walked sullenly out of the bedroom not even trying to hide the tears that flowed freely down his cheeks.

"You should probably leave your car downtown and take a cab home. We wouldn't want Tanya to get suspicious now." The words were almost mechanical. They came out of my mouth but I'm not sure how I actually formed the words.

He walked slowly towards me and raised his hand to cup my face. I leaned away hoping he would understand. I couldn't let him touch me. I had been a fool and I had to save myself.

He flinched when I leaned away from him.

"Bella, baby please. I'm so sorry."

"DON"T" I screamed at him, the tears continuing their trek down my cheeks. "Please Edward, just go." I was begging him now.

Just like the first night we were together and looked into my eyes seeking an answer, he looked deep into my eyes again and I prayed he would see this is what I needed. I prayed he wouldn't be selfish because I would never get myself back if he was.

He must have seen what he needed to because he lowered his head and walked towards the door. I didn't look – I couldn't. I might beg him to stay with me. But he made his choice when he answered the phone tonight. When he stopped making lo… I mean fucking me to answer the call from his wife. He could stay in her bed from now on because I needed more. I needed someone to come home to me.

I heard the door shut and waited a few more seconds just to make sure he was really gone. I braced myself and stood, turning towards the door. He wasn't there. I walked robotically over to the door and locked the deadbolt and just like the first morning he left, I sank to floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay – I'm going to hide now.
> 
> I knew that something like this needed to happen before Bella would be strong enough to end the affair. Yes, it's a little harsh but it needed to happen. Remember the story is based on a song that spells it all out so it really shouldn't be too surprising! It's a bumpy road ahead and I hope you'll stick with me. Updates will probably come a little slower now, but I'm shooting for at least once a week updates.


	5. A Shared Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As many have said - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just frequently fantasize about Edward. Seriously – I told my husband I wished he sparkled!
> 
> Speaking of Edward and fantasies – I thought a little EPOV was in order. There won't be very many parts where we will see Edward's thoughts as Bella is the one I'm channeling – but you know how controlling Edward can be and he is demanding to be heard now.

Chapter 5 – A Shared Man

Opening a club like this had long been a dream of Emmett's and I was thrilled to be able to partner with him on it. Tanya wasn't thrilled with the idea of me being co-owner of a club. In her mind, it was below our social standing and thus she was not overjoyed at being here tonight. Yes, Tanya is a bit of a snob, but she's also smart, loving, caring and sexy as hell. I was shallow enough when we first met to just want her on my arm strictly for her looks and what she could do for me and my career. As we got to know each other, I realized there was a depth to her I really liked. She gave her time and money to worthy causes and while she did the "ladies who lunch" thing, she spent more time in philanthropic activities. I was truly in love with my wife. We had great conversations, lots of things in common and the sex was out of this world. The things that woman could do to me with a look were incredible.

Imagine my surprise when I met Bella. I wasn't looking for her and tried to stay away from her. When she walked up the stairs into the lounge I felt her before I ever saw her. I didn't have a choice but to look up to find out where the electric hum was coming from. It was like gravity was pulling me to the stairs. When Bella stepped off the stair case, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. She was absolutely stunning, and the shade of blue she was wearing made her skin almost sparkle and her mahogany hair shimmer. She looked right at me and our eyes just locked. Her eyes were the warmest shade of brown I had ever seen. After what seemed like an eternity but what really only seconds, I broke the trance I was under and shifted my gaze back to Tanya.

"Looks like Em's new girlfriend is here." I stated so she wouldn't wonder why I had been so focused on the stairs. I'm not sure why I felt the need to cover up the few second interaction I just had. I didn't even know the woman's name. She was just a random stranger in my club.

"Give them a few minutes and we'll go over and meet her." Tanya offered. She loved Emmett and Alice both and was protective over them. Emmett never had luck with the ladies. Okay – he often GOT lucky with the ladies; he just didn't have luck when it came to finding one to do more than spend the night with. He had been raving about Rosalie for sometime and was thrilled that not only was she drop dead gorgeous, she could talk circles around most people when it came to cars and sports. He felt she had been cut out of mold just for him. And maybe she was.

Tanya and I sat in comfortable silence for a bit while I drank my water and she finished her wine. The hum of the current I'd felt since the brunette walked upstairs was still flowing freely through the room. I just couldn't get her out of my head and I knew she was up here somewhere. I looked across the table at my wife and gave her a smirk when she ran her heel clad foot up the inside of my leg and up and over my knee. The wine was getting her a little frisky.

She smiled at me and whispered, "Let's go meet this new girl so you can take me home and fuck me, Edward." My wife, I loved it when she was naughty. It was always very, very nice.

I stood up quickly hoping the massive erection she had just given me wasn't too obvious. I put my hand on the small of her back and walked behind her to hide the tent in my pants. "You will pay for this my love." I said playfully. "I just wish it was just as obvious when you are turned on as this is." I ground my cock into her for emphasis. Little devil ground right back and I moaned.

We had been so involved in our flirting that I barely registered the fact that Emmett was introducing us to everyone. I shook everyone'd hand and mumbled the appropriate greetings when he turned to introduce the last person at the table.

"And this lovely lady is Bella Swan, Rose's roommate." He was grinning.

I felt like the air had been sucked out of my body. I looked down to see the brown eyed beauty and mentally slapped myself for not coming over here earlier. Then I mentally slapped myself for having those thoughts with my wife standing with me.

"Hello Bella, It's very nice to meet you." I managed to get out somehow. Our hands touched and the electricity I felt humming in the room, shot straight through me.

I couldn't be certain, but I thought she felt it as well. She sounded as if she were a little nervous.

"Nice to meet you, Edward," she said as she looked into my eyes, "and you as well, Tanya." She turned to Tanya I felt a little disappointment in the fact that she noticed Tanya. This was very disconcerting as I love my wife and am happily married.

I'm not sure what crawled up Tanya's ass at that moment but she didn't even acknowledge Bella. Yes she could be a snob – but she was happy that Emmett had found someone and I didn't really expect her to be rude. It didn't seem to bother Bella though. She just shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes at Tanya's blow off. I couldn't help myself and let out a loud guffaw. Usually Tanya's cold shoulder seemed to shake people up. Tanya was the girl everyone wanted to know.

Even though I was sporting serious wood after the little grinding Tanya and I had done before, I convinced Tanya to stay for little longer. And we joined the little group and I got to watch Bella interact with everyone. She was so confident and fun and suddenly I was questioning all my choices in life. I realized after a moment that I was much harder now than I was when Tanya ground her ass into my cock as visions of mahogany hair splayed across my pillows took over my brain. Damn, what has gotten into me? I love my wife.

After about an hour, Tanya was ready to go and we said our good-byes. Tanya was in a pissy mood because I asked her to stay. For a few minutes I was afraid she'd noticed me staring at Bella. After a few snarky comments about the club, she apologized from being such a bitch and assured me she was just past tired at this point and the wine she was drinking had given her a headache. So much for getting any of that sexy little ass.

"Babe" I said as I walked her to the bedroom to tuck her in. "I think I should go back over to the club to see if Emmett needs any help. It's still early in club time and he's so distracted by Rosalie that I think I'd feel better being there." I'm mystified that that just came out of my mouth. I'm not sure where it came from because I honestly hadn't even thought about going back. Of course I thought I'd be buried balls deep in Tanya by now. She kissed me and told me she was sorry she wasn't any fun tonight but that she'd make it up to me in the morning. My dick twitched a little at that.

I drove back to the club and sighed as I made my way back in. I felt the same pull from earlier; she was still here. My dick was hard before I took another step. I was lost in thought when I felt a jolt through my body. I looked down and there she was. Beautiful, sexy, Bella.

"Exx-cuse me," she stuttered out. "I was waving goodbye to my friends and should have been paying attention where I was headed".

"Well hello again, Bella." I purred. All of a sudden, I had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. 'Damn it Edward,' the angel said. 'Tanya, Tanya ,Tanya' – she kept repeating. She thought if she kept repeating her name in my head I'd be okay. 'Yeah – keep telling yourself that dipshit.' The devil piped up.

"Edward, it's nice to see you again so soon." She said as she looked up at me through her lashes. Sexiest. Thing. Ever.

"You aren't leaving are you, Bella? I was hoping to spend a little more time with you, get to know you a little better." I gave her a crooked smile, the one that makes Tanya's clothes fall off. – The Devil was large and in charge. 'Damn Devil – go back to hell – he loves Tanya' the shrinking angel whispered.

"Well, Rose is ditching me in favor of Emmett and since I've been drinking I can't drive and I don't want to wait too late to take a cab home. I don't like being in cabs alone." She was rambling and it was fucking adorable. The angel was losing this battle.

"Well, it just so happens, I have not been drinking and would love to take you home." I know my eyes were filled with lust and that came off a little more forward than I intended it to. The devil was definitely winning this battle. Not that the angel ever had a chance.

"That would be very kind of you but I don't want to put you out." Of course she'd be worried about inconveniencing me.

"Bella I assure you, it is no problem and in fact I insist. As one of the owners of this fine establishment, I can't have you leaving here alone - it's not safe." I smirked.

"Well Edward," she began, "as much as I appreciate your offer, I really must insist on going home alone. I really do not know you and something tells me you are probably more dangerous than any cab driver I might meet."

Oh yeah, she feels it to. She's flirting a little – and she's right I am dangerous.

She walked outside and I continued to try to talk her in to letting me take her home. It was still early and there weren't many cabs outside yet. After about 15 minutes she turned and began walking down the street.

Oh, Hell no, I was getting pissed. "Bella, you sure as hell can't walk home!"

She said something about it not being that far but these streets can be dangerous and there is no way I was letting her walk.

"Bella," I said somewhat exasperated, "This is ridiculous, I know we don't know each other well but I do know your roommate is important to my brother, making you important to my brother and by default, important to me."

There, play the protecting you for my brother and your roommate card. She has to agree now. She continued walking. Fuck I can't let her walk. I'm taking her home and that's that. Even the angel agreed her walking was a bad idea.

"Bella, I WILL drive you home and you can come willingly or I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you." Oh shit, the devil and the angel are teaming up, I am screwed now – or at least I hope so.

"What the hell is your problem Edward? You don't own me, you are married to a fabulously hot woman and I am a grown woman who is fully capable of taking care of myself."

Damn, she's even sexier when she's pissed.

"Bella," I think I actually moaned her name. "For some reason I feel protective of you and I meant what I said. Get in my car or I'll put you there…your choice."

She turned to walk away from me and true to my word; I threw her over my shoulder and carried her to my Volvo. This was much safer.

I told her to keep her ass in the car and ran over to get in the driver's seat. The electricity that I felt earlier in Eclipse was flowing freely in the car. I have never met anyone that caused this kind of reaction before and I knew it was too late to stop this. The angel kept saying 'you're married for god's sake.'

She hurriedly reached for the door handle to escape.

"Edward," she was pissed. "What you just did is so far out of my comprehension. I do not even know you, yet you feel compelled to throw me over your shoulder like a caveman and force me to get into your car. I don't know if you are aware but my father is a cop and this," she was waving her arms around "is kidnapping! - I'm getting out of this car now and you are going to go home – TO YOUR WIFE!" She was shouting now – yup she's pissed.

"Bella," I interrupted sounding almost desperate, "I know we don't really know each other, but you can't deny you feel it, I see it in your eyes."

She starts climbing out of the car.

Now I'm almost begging "Please, Bella, please" I lean over the console, "just let me get you home. I know I'm married but I feel pulled to you, and I can't live with myself if something were to happen to you."

She just stood there looking thoughtful for a moment and then I saw the look I was hoping to see – she was giving in.

"Fine, Edward." she quietly mumbled. "You can take me home."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you Bella."

The ride home was quiet, save the electric hum present in the car with us. She finally spoke "Turn right up here, that's my building."

The angel and devil were battling at this point. I could drive her to the door and let her get out, go home and wake Tanya up and fuck her nine ways to Sunday. I should do that. But when I turned in to the parking lot, I saw a parking place and pulled in; I was tired of trying to resist her. She was just too tempting.

"Edward, thank you for the ride home, you really don't need to get out. I can make it safely from here." Her voice was shaky and she was pleading with me to put a stop to it. I had to try.

"Bella," my voice was breathless "I'll just walk you to your door and I'll go. I promise."

That was just the first of many promises to her that I would end up breaking.

She sighed, resigned. "Fine, Edward."

We walked quietly into the building, both of us obviously battling with ourselves. We stepped into the elevator and she pushed the button to take us to the 8th floor. We weren't touching, but I could feel the electricity flowing freely between us. The elevator doors opened and we stepped out. I tried to stay in the elevator. I really did but it was almost impossible.

"Thank you, Edward." she said quietly. "It was very gentlemanly of you to make sure I got home."

"Bella, I can be called a lot of things right now," I said as I made a decision that would change me forever "but a gentleman is not one of them." And with that I kissed her hard.

The next couple of hours flew by – we fucked hard and we made love slowly. Neither of us could deny there was something deep between us. The feeling of sliding into Bella was indescribable. The way her wet, tight pussy gripped my cock, the way she moved under me and over me. She was a firecracker in bed and had no problems telling me what she needed. I would give it all to her.

I was brought back to reality when a very familiar ring tone sounded. Fuck, I groaned internally. I crawled out of bed and quickly made my way to the other room, looking for my pants so I could get my phone out of the pocket. Spying them by the door, I ran over and answered the phone.

"Hi love!" I said into the phone. Fuck – she's going to know – I sound so out of breath. Shit - what time is it? I located the VCR and the clock said 3:00 am - FUCK I'm going to be in trouble.

I was hoping against hope that Bella stayed in her room and couldn't hear me. Tanya had woken up and gotten worried since I wasn't home yet. Queue the guilt. The Angel, who had been beaten into submission by the devil earlier, was standing on my shoulder looking smug.

"No sweetheart, I just gave a couple of people a ride home. I'll be heading home to you shortly."

I turned in time to see Bella walk back into her room. Fuck could I screw this up any worse tonight? First I cheat on my wife then I Bella hears me on the phone.

"I love you to, baby – see you in a bit." I tried to keep my voice down so Bella didn't have to hear. Yes she knew I was married but the last few hours were so much more than a one-night fling. I knew I shouldn't do it but I had to see Bella again. I got dressed quickly and went into her room. She wasn't there and then I noticed the closed bathroom door. I hoped I could salvage something here.

"Bella, are you okay" I asked through the door.

"Edward, I'm fine – just cleaning up a bit. If you need to go, I understand." She said with too much emotion in her voice. Fuck she heard it all and I hurt her. The devil quipped 'She knew you were married.' The angel's halo must have been held up by devil horns because she told the devil to shut the fuck up.

"Bella, I can't leave without seeing you." I was begging.

Finally she opened the door and tried, unsuccessfully to smile. "I'll walk you to the door," her voice was quiet.

When we got to the door, I leaned down and kissed her softly.

I whispered on her lips, "When can I see you again." I had to see her again. I knew it was wrong but I needed her in my life.

She was hesitant and I can't blame her but I could not let her go. I am a selfish creature. I kissed her again.

"Bella, I don't know what this is but I need it, I need you like I need the air to breath. Please, please we will figure all of this out but you have to give us a chance. You felt it all as deeply as I did. Please Bella." My eyes searched hers for the answer. I had it the second I looked into them. She needed this to.

I handed her my phone and asked her to program her number in. Without a word she entered it and handed the phone back to me. I kissed her softly once more and walked out the door to go home to my wife.


	6. Lonely No More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As many have said - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just frequently fantasize about Edward.
> 
> I really struggled to get this down and am still not sure I'm happy with it but here it is. If there is anyone out there who would like to help – beta? I'm not sure how to do all this so just let me know. P/M me.
> 
> This chapter was influenced by Clay Walker's She Won't Be Lonely Long.
> 
> I've also discovered that while my original intent was to write from BPOV – Edward is a demanding little shit and he will be making a few more appearances offering his thoughts and feelings on all things Bella and Tanya and Riley and…. You get the picture.
> 
> Reviews would be appreciated – who knew they'd make me so happy!

Previously from Chapter 4

He must have seen what he needed to because he lowered his head and walked towards the door. I didn't look – I couldn't. I might beg him to stay with me. But he made his choice when he answered the phone tonight. When he stopped making lo… I mean fucking me to answer the call from his wife. He could stay in her bed from now on because I needed more. I needed someone to come home to me.

I heard the door shut and waited a few more seconds just to make sure he was really gone. I braced myself and stood, turning towards the door. He wasn't there. I walked robotically over to the door and locked the deadbolt and just like the first morning he left, I sank to floor.

Chapter 6

I'm not sure how long it was between when Edward left and Rose showed up. It could have been minutes or it could have days. I was surprised to see her as she was supposed to be staying with Emmett. She just said she heard I might be able to use a friend.

As she had done six months earlier, Rose held me as I cried. She never judged, never said I told you. She was just there for me. She did tell me that Emmett was ready to kick some ass.

"Em wants names and addresses Bella." Rose said trying to lighten the mood a little. "Too bad we can't really give it to him." She mused.

"Rose, I really just want to put this behind me and move on. I don't want to hear about him – I don't even want to hear his name." I said through my tears.

She just nodded and continued to hold me. She finally got me to go to bed in my room and stayed there for a week.

September 20, 2010

"Bella, get the hell up and answer this door!" Rose shouted through my bedroom door. I ignored her.

"Bella, I can have Emmett here in five minutes and he will break the door down for me if you don't open it – NOW!" she was pissed.

I ignored her again, calling her bluff then I heard her asking to speak to Emmett and quickly got up and opened my door.

"Rose, don't – you know I love you but I can't see anyone right now."

"Bella – tough shit – you've over done the pity party and I'm shutting it down - NOW. I know you think life is over but it's time to put on the big girl panties and get your shit together."

"Rose you don't get it – "

"Bella – I do get it – but we both knew this was possible– no – not possible – PROBABLE. I know you are hurting but you did the right thing."

"Rose, it hurts, so much." I sobbed

"Bella, I know – but we have to get you out there – I'm not asking you to forget but you can't live like this." She waved her arms around my room – my sanctuary. "Besides Bella, it really stinks in here!" I didn't smile but part of me wanted to.

Rose was right – I needed to pull myself up by the proverbial boot straps and get on with my life. I knew what I was getting myself into and I really had no one to blame but myself. I knew that married men rarely left their wives and I foolishly allowed myself to think Edward would be the exception to the rule.

I began to strip the sheets from my bed. One of the reasons I hadn't left my bed was because my sheets and pillows smelled like, Edw…him. I needed to get rid of his scent. I needed to move past this. I would try to pretend like he never existed.

October 31, 2010

After Rose stormed into my room 6 weeks ago, I began to slowly get myself back into the game of life. I caught up on work. I had only been working part-time as an editor while waiting on my first book to hit the book stores on November 21! I was really excited. The publishing house planned a release party at a smaller mom and pop bookstore and I would be there signing books. Not that I was a famous author, but being able to buy a signed book sometimes got folks to try new things!

Being Halloween, Rose is very insistent that I go out to celebrate, despite my protests. Emmett was having an all out Halloween bash at his club complete with a costume contest and theme drinks. I was expected to attend. She and Emmett were getting very serious and she had struck up a close friendship with his (and his) sister, Alice. Neither Emmett nor Alice knew anything about my affair with their brother as far as I knew; but wasn't sure what Rose might have let slip during pillow talk.

Now I'm sitting here in my apartment while Rose and Alice play dress-up Bella. Alice knew I just went through a bad break-up and she said I needed to make myself feel very sexy and have fun. So she brought me a costume – if that's what you call it. It was a short (VERY short) plaid skirt with a white button up shirt, which was buttoned only once – right in between my now very, pushed up cleavage. The shirt tails were then tied in a knot revealing skin from the bottom of the push-up bra to the too low cut skirt. White knee socks and fortunately a pair of white tennis shoes finished off the outfit. I then had to endure hours of poking and prodding and pulling just to have Alice put my long mahogany locks into pig tails. She applied my make-up in a way that made me look very sultry and seductive – honestly I looked good. Alice was right - I did need to feel sexy. I knew it was likely that he would be there…with Tanya – but I decided I just would not go up to the VIP section. I could hang downstairs with the rest of the common folk.

We arrived at Eclipse and there was already a line backed out around the block. Of course since Rose was dating one of the owners, we walked right in. It was packed and there was barely room to move. Rose and Alice started to pull me towards the VIP stairs and I waived them off giving Rose the look of death if she pushed it. They headed up the stairs and I made my way through the crowd towards the bar. I needed a drink – now. I didn't have to go upstairs to know he was here, after almost 2 months "clean and sober" from my E… addiction to HIM, the air hummed just like that first night last March.

The bartender approached and asked, "What can I get you beautiful?"

I smiled at him and ordered a Stella and shot of Patron. It felt good to be called beautiful – even if he was only in it for tips. I have him my credit card and asked to start a tab. He stamped my card on a sales ticket and gave it back.

I turned the shot up and quickly chased it with my beer. I looked back at the bartender and nodded to my glass – quickly he poured me another shot which I downed quickly and chased with my beer. I told him to go ahead and hit me with another of those. At this rate I was going to be hammered before 10 so I thought I'd hit the dance floor. It was so crowded no one would have a clue I was out there alone, not that I really cared. I couldn't tell what was playing – the music was always too loud in these types of clubs but the beat was pretty good. I was out there for a few minutes dancing pretty provocatively for me when I felt hands on my hips. I glanced over my shoulder and there was Emmett grinning down at me like a big bear. I turned around and hugged his neck.

He tugged on my hand trying to lead me off the dance floor. I knew he wanted me to follow him to the VIP area but there was no way I could go up there. I was finally getting myself together a little and seeing him would not be conducive to regaining my sanity.

I pulled him over to the bar where I had opened my tab and offered to buy him a drink. The cute bartender who had called me beautiful earlier smiled as he grabbed the shot and beer I ordered earlier and brought it over with me even asking for it. I smiled at him and asked him to bring Emmett a shot. Mr. Cute bartender almost choked when he saw Emmett standing there with me. I forgot that Emmett was part owner in the club.

"Collins." Emmett said and the bartender nodded and brought Emmett the shot I requested.

"Bella, I'd like you to meet one of my best bartenders, Riley Collins, Riley- Bella Swan." Riley was a smooth character and took my offered hand and placed a kiss on the back of it. I blushed furiously. It was obvious he was interested.

I smiled and wiggled my eyebrows suggestively at Emmett while gesturing towards Riley. He looked disappointed. "Bella," he started sounding like my father. I shook my head at him letting him know that I was not okay with that. He told me was he afraid the alcohol I was consuming rapidly was clouding my judgment. I let him know, loud and clear, that I was a big girl and anything I did, or didn't do, would be on me and it was my choice, not his. He let me know he was concerned because he knew I wasn't the kind of girl who picked up random dudes in the bar. I told him with a blush that there was a first time for everything and then looked over at Riley and winked. Riley smiled seductively at me and I gave it right back to him.

I spent the rest of the night at the bar flirting with Riley or dancing. Riley would watch as I danced with other men and as I ground my hips into theirs. I would always look back at him when I did this to let him know I was thinking about him when I was grinding up against someone else. Every now and again I'd start to second guess all of this. This was so far out of my comfort zone I was amazed I hadn't actually run for the hills. I am 26 years old and have had sex with 2 men yet here I am actively seeking a one night stand. Loneliness will do that to someone – I guess.

It was on the dance floor I felt it getting stronger. I knew he was close to me and my stomach was churning. I couldn't see him. I couldn't do it. I could feel his gaze – I knew he was watching me. I had to show him I was okay so when then song ended I walked up to the bar and got Riley's attention. I motioned for him to come over to me with my finger. He grinned and walked over. I kneeled on the stool and leaned over the bar, grabbing his shirt collar and pulling him closer to me. His eyes grew darker and I was quite impressed with my boldness. I leaned over and put my mouth by his ear.

"So Riley what time can I count on you getting out of here?" I purred in his ear. "I am so ready for you to take me to your place and fuck me on every surface there." I couldn't believe I said that to him but when I pulled back a little – he captured my lips with his. Our tongues touched briefly and he pulled back.

"Gorgeous – it's going to depend on the crowd tonight – but I get a break here soon and I think you should meet me in the employee lounge." His voice was needy and husky. "I know I don't want to wait to fuck you if I can avoid it."

"I looked at him and said, "Just tell me when sexy." He swallowed hard and tried to discreetly adjust himself. "Fifteen minutes - back there, behind the curtain, there's a door." He was pointing in the direction of the bathrooms. Meet me there. I smiled at him seductively and turned and walked away. I was almost hyperventilating. I could not believe how bold I had just been.

As I walked away, I could still feel his eyes on me. I headed towards the bathroom thinking I should go before I met Riley.

When I came out of the bathroom Riley was just walking up. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the curtain he'd pointed out earlier then we were through a door. Riley wasted no time getting my shirt button undone – I started to undo the skirt but he said not to.

"Beautiful girl, you are every man's fantasy right now and I'd love to fuck you up against the wall with that little skirt on."

I rid myself of my panties and quickly unbuttoned his pants. We didn't have time for foreplay – and just the mere thought of fucking a complete stranger in a bar was more than enough to have me wet. Before I knew it, Riley was pushing his pants over his very erect cock and was lifting me up backing me against the wall.

I moaned when he entered me forcefully. His thrusts were fast and erratic and I had to ask him to slow down a bit. I needed a little more than that to reach my goal – I wanted – no – needed to cum with a man buried deep inside of me.

Riley's strokes slowed and took on a more measured pace. His cock was a little bigger than average but not the size I was used to. I tried to get my legs higher on his waist as he pounded into me up against the wall. I needed this so bad I was almost desperate.

"Riley moaned out, "Touch your clit for me, please. I'm close."

I reached my hand down between us and began to rub circles around my clit. Between that extra friction and his hips pushing my fingers harder onto my clit, I could finally feel the tension building.

"Oh God– that's it – fuck me harder now, Please." I was coming undone

"Ung," Riley grunted out and I could feel his body stiffen and his cock pulsing inside of me.

I began rubbing my clit just a little faster and a little harder and as Riley finished his orgasm, I needed this desperately. Finally - I began mine. My walls began to clinch around his cock when I felt it. Felt him. There was a current in the room that shouldn't be here. I was here with someone else, not E…him. My body responded immediately and my orgasm peaked. I opened my eyes and there standing by the door watching me intensely – angrily - was Edward.

"Edward!" I was almost shouting and totally humiliated. I pushed Riley away pulling down my skirt and buttoning my blouse.

Riley quickly pulled his pants up and mumbled something as he practically ran out the door. I had forgotten all about him.

I was looking into his eyes and my thoughts and heart went straight to our time together. I did my best to maintain my composure but I'm sure he saw right through me. He always did.

"Hi, Edward." I squeaked out. Oh god, even my inner goddess was embarrassed. I had just been caught fucking a stranger up against the wall.

"Hi, Bella" he said with obvious disgust. "I see you are enjoying yourself." He spat. The hate that came with the words almost broke me, again.

"Happy Halloween?" I stated more like a question in my attempt to keep it to small talk. I had to get the hell out of here.

"I've had better." He replied sounding forlorn. It was better than the hate. "Seeing a woman I love being fucked like some whore kind of ruined the whole night." The hate was back in full force

Anger was coursing through my veins. I wanted to scream and shout and throw things at him. But all I could do was stand there looking as thought I had been slapped. I wanted to shout "you made me a whore first" but I just couldn't bring my self to do it. Standing there looking into his green eyes was my undoing.

"Well, it was good to see you." I lied as I picked up my discarded panties and turned to go, I had to get out of here before the tears came.

"Bella, wait." He begged.

I turned around slowly and saw the desperation in his eyes.

"Edward, I can't do this now, probably not ever, but definitely not now." I was begging him to let me escape with what little dignity I had left now.

"I love you Bella and I always will." He looked at me longingly.

"Apparently not enough for me to be anything other than YOUR whore." I said sadly and turned to leave.


	7. I Ain't Settlin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As many have said - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just frequently fantasize about Edward oh and they are fabulous!
> 
> This chapter was influenced by Settlin' - Sugarland. It's my anthem in life – never settle!
> 
> I know this update came PDQ but it really just kept flowing as part of Chapter 6 – as I said last time reviews would be appreciated – who knew they'd make me so happy! I'm very happy that my stats are climbing! Reviews, favorites, alerts; all going up! It makes all of this worthwhile! One reviewer even said she saw my little fanfic rec'd on a facebook site! Wow – seriously! Thanks to whoever posted it there – I'm very flattered and humbled.

Previously

"Bella, wait." He begged.

I turned around slowly and saw the desperation in his eyes.

"Edward, I can't do this now, probably not ever, but definitely not now." I was begging him to let me escape with what little dignity I had left now.

"I love you Bella and I always will." He looked at me longingly.

"Apparently not enough for me to be anything other than YOUR whore." I said sadly and turned to leave.

Chapter 7

Too much tequila – now forever in my mind to be known as ToKillYa- and one night stands were not good for the self-esteem. At All! I felt like I had sacrificed even more of myself last night and I was being punished with the worst hang-over in the history of booze. My mouth felt like the bottom of a bird cage – no strike that – that would be an improvement. My head pounded with the each blink of my eyes. "Must keep eyes closed," the inner goddess chanted. Hell – even her musings hurt. Well fuck her – I hoped she was miserable – it was all her fault we are like this today.

I felt nauseous and then - Oh god, flashback – feeling the beginning of pleasure and looking into Green-eyes. Of fuck – I forgot about Edw..HIM walking in on me last night. I was absolutely mortified but the inner goddess was feeling a little smug – served his ass right, she gloated, AND I got my orgasm out of it. She was a pleasure slut. I didn't get her – I'd invested in the best vibrator money could buy but she was never satisfied. I guess she had a point. An orgasm was always good but having one "hammered" out of you without having to do all the work yourself was fan-fucking-tastic.

Well – at least I kept a sense of humor about all of it. I finally rolled out of bed and stumbled my way to the kitchen. God help anyone who got in the way of ibuprofen, coffee, water and grease this morning. I prepped the coffee maker cause we need to prioritize here – then fumbled in the cabinet cursing whoever used the pain killers last – looking for my headache cure. Found them – Thank Fuck! Poured 4 in my hand – no the recommended dosage was not going to cut it this morning. Hell the Dr. prescribed this shit in 800mg all the time, taking that much once wouldn't hurt me. I guzzled the water down after swallowing my pills. I was too nauseous to actually cook anything greasy so I thought about going to the diner down the street for bacon.

Finally the coffee finished brewing and I poured myself a cup and made my way to the living room. I was enjoying just sitting there when Rose and Emmett came down the hall. I didn't think they were here.

"Bella, did you by chance see my brother last night?" Emmett asked innocently. He didn't know about Edward and me but he'd never really spoken about him with me either.

My stomach lurched. I got up and ran to the bathroom. After emptying my stomach, I went back to the living room. Rose was looking at me apologetically. I apologized for running out and they laughed a little at me.

Emmett repeated his question. Damn him – even my puking couldn't derail this train.

"Yeah, Em," I replied – trying to hold in my tears. "I saw him downstairs last night. Why?"

I glanced at Rose pleading for her help. I was trying really hard to keep it together and she looked at me with sympathy in her eyes but made no move to change the subject. Damn her.

"Do you know what threw him so out of whack?" Emmett mused. "I've never seen him wound so tight. He was pacing and short with everyone. Hell – he made Tanya cry."

Oh god – I thought, this is not going to end well. I have this feeling we are in big trouble. The inner goddess was a little giddy. How many times had we been forced to think about Edward making love with Tanya? Of course we never actually had to witness him buried balls deep inside of her but still – he knew I was… I guess you'd say…"faithful?" As funny as that word sounds in this situation, I guess we call a spade a spade so to speak. I was only ever with Edward so he never had to worry about me being with any other man. I was forced to think about it daily. Did he fuck her after he left me? Was their love making as intense as ours? More so? Was it just going through the motions? Somehow I didn't think it was the latter since 2 months after I ended our affair – he was still with her and I was still alone.

Emmett continued. "Yeah – he was just about ready to fire my best bartender." He looked over at me and I knew he knew. "I've never seen my brother so angry. I can't for the life of me figure out why he would want to fire my best bartender."

I was looking to Rose for answers but she just sat there she was giving nothing away. Fuck – he knew it all.

"Bella," Em continued. "What happened with Riley? Why would Edward want to fire him?"

Hmmm maybe he didn't know the whole story so I decided honesty is the best policy.

"Em, he may have walked in the employee lounge last night at an, er, inopportune moment." I blushed furiously.

"Oh I gathered that much Bella."

The inner goddess was cowering behind my subconscious now – fucking coward, hide now bitch – where are you when I really need you. I declared internally – see if I give her any satisfaction any time soon.

"What I don't understand, Bella, is why he was so pissed at Riley. It's not like that lounge isn't used for 'breaks'" he used air-quotes when saying breaks. "Several times a night." He added.

The subconscious butts in now – play dumb Bella – play fucking dumb.

"Wish I could help you out Em, but I don't know what crawled up his ass." I sucked at lying and knew that sounded insincere.

"Bella, I love you – you know that." Em started. "But I call Bullshit. You know exactly what is going on."

I tried to respond but he held up his hand.

"No more, Bella. Edward told me all about it last night and pretty much confirmed it in your drunken stupor."

Rose glanced up apologetically but stayed silent. It dawned on me that she got caught in the middle last night and Emmett was probably pissed at her.

"Em, I'm sorry, really I'm sorry." I was crying now

"Bells, don't. I'm not mad at you honestly. But my brother is an entirely different story." He began.

"I'm not saying this hurt you Bella, but Edward's wife is a wonderful woman and he's hurt her terribly. And you, - you are my baby sister – and to find out he's the cause of the last few months? Do you have any idea how torn up I am, Bella?"

"Stop there Emmett." I was crying but he couldn't hold Edward wholly responsible – I went in with my eyes open. "I knew all along how it would end, Em, and you can't put it all on your brother. I am a grown woman who got in over my head – and I am paying Em, dearly. But I'm not sure I would change it if I could."

Rose was now looking at me like I'd lost my ever loving mind.

"Emmett, the six months we shared were the best in my life. I will never settle for less than the whole again but the experience taught me just what I want out of life." I was beginning on a roll

"My first relationship, I settled. I never loved Jake like a lover should. We had mediocre sex, no fireworks. We were friends and should have stayed that way. My second," I hesitated a little, unsure of how to title it. I chose to ignore a label of any kind "involved lots of fireworks but no commitment. Next time I will have it all, I ain't settling ever again."

"Bella,!" Emmett cut me off, "I don't think you quite understand what is going on."

I looked at him, perplexed. I had just been found out – I thought that's what was going on. The inner goddess and I pondered the conversation. It was the guilt of the subconscious that clued us in. 'he's hurt her terribly' Oh shit, his wife knew. The realization must have been obvious on my face.

"Exactly Bella. Tanya knows."

I sank into the sofa.

"I don't get it Em," truly I didn't understand. "For six months he managed to keep this secret and two months after it ends she finds out?"

"Well, when he came back up stairs he was a mess Bella. He was mumbling something about whores."

I flinched, just then remember he called me a whore last night. It wasn't like I didn't deserve it. First, I was a mistress and then I fucked a stranger. Pretty much screams whore in my book.

"I asked him what happened and he mentioned something about the break room and fucking bartenders. He wasn't making much since but he slipped up then Bella. He said, 'Emmett, that fucking Conners is downstairs fucking the love of my life.' Needless to say I was perplexed."

"I looked at him like he had three heads - Edward, I think you've been drinking. Tanya's right there. But he looked at me like I had a third eye, Bella. That's when it clicked. I knew who Riley was fucking because she had just bought me a shot of Patron." Emmett was getting more animated in his description of events and I just let him ramble. You never coming out with us when Edward went, your depression and Edward's asinine behavior occurring simultaneously. It all finally made sense. So I called his ass out. 'You're fucking Bella?' I said it as a question but it was really just clarification. 'was fucking Bella, Em. It's been over a while now but I love her Em, so much.'"

I swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears at bay.

Emmett continued. "Little did we know, Tanya was standing right there. How the fuck we missed her, I have no idea. I mean she was standing there right next to the two of us."

He let out an exaggerated sigh.

"So the next thing I know, Tanya slaps Edward, hard. Edward looked down at her with tears in his eyes and told her he loved her too and he was so confused. Tanya had tears pouring down her cheeks and Edward did as well. They left a few minutes later but I'm not sure what will happen – Tanya looked so hurt. I hope she can forgive him, Bella. You need to understand – they were, are, very much in love and the family thinks the world of her. Yes, she can be a bit pretentious to the outside world, but deep down, she's a great girl and a great wife for my brother."

Rose slapped the back of his head, hard. "Emmett you insensitive ass."

"What?" he asked cluelessly.

Rose had sat there through his rant but he crossed a line just then. "You ass. You are sitting here passing judgment on Bella. She tried like hell to stay away from him, but he kept pushing – he made her promises of forever and treated her like a queen so do not make Bella out to be the bad guy. They were both wrong."

Emmett had the decency to look apologetic. "Bella, I'm sorry, I really don't want you to think I blame you. I don't. Rose filled me in on the whole thing last night and I know what went down. I just want you to know that while I love you. I will have to support Tanya on this."

Finally I got the chance to say something. Deep breaths – the inner goddess cheered. I needed to get through this without crying.

"Emmett, I'm not asking for anyone to take my side. What happened between Edward and I was wrong but oh so right at the same time. I spent the better part of the time we were together, believing he would leave her for me eventually but I realized – on my own Em – that it was never going to happen. I took a good look in the mirror and hated what I had become so I ended it." I took a deep breath – okay time for honesty with everyone. Even myself.

"I was hoping he would choose me, Em. I'm not going to lie. I was hoping he would love me enough to leave her and come back to me. We both know how that panned out." I almost chuckled. "I'm not looking to get back together with him Emmett, in fact, I know now that I was never more than second place and I can't live with myself knowing I settled for that. I would be nothing more than the "whore' he called me last night."

Both Rose and Emmett gasped. "I'll kill the mother fucker." Rose spat out.

Without warning, the tears began to fall. Both Rose and Emmett held me while I cried, hopefully for the last time over Edward Cullen.


	8. Decisions Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As many have said - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just frequently fantasize about Edward.
> 
> I had really hoped to get this finished before Christmas but the kids were expecting gifts and food and family time, so…LOL
> 
> Edward has demanded to be heard again. I don't think he's a bad guy really (no I don't condone cheating AT ALL – I'd cut my husband's off) I just think he really loves both Bella and Tanya and is caught in a bad situation.

As many have said - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just frequently fantasize about Edward.

I had really hoped to get this finished before Christmas but the kids were expecting gifts and food and family time, so…LOL

Edward has demanded to be heard again. I don't think he's a bad guy really (no I don't condone cheating AT ALL – I'd cut my husband's off) I just think he really loves both Bella and Tanya and is caught in a bad situation.

Chapter 8

The first time in months I'm out and Bella is here. I can feel her the moment she walks in the door. I sit and stare at the stair case, waiting on her ascend. The current is there but it's not as strong as it normally is when she's close. I can't believe I'm sitting here getting excited about seeing Bella. I knew it would be bad for both of us. Rose and Alice both came up and my stomach ached with anticipation. After a few minutes I realized she wasn't following them up. I couldn't blame her really and I shouldn't have been as excited about seeing her as I was.

She was right to call me on my bullshit – I kept stringing her along and she deserved better. God the number times I almost told Tanya I was leaving her was staggering but I never could quite say the words to her.

I met Tanya in school while I was pursuing my undergrad degree. She was beautiful and fun and we hit it off immediately. We got married during my first year of law school. We had a pregnancy scare that turned out to be a false alarm and neither of us wanted to get pregnant before we got married. It just wasn't the way things were supposed to be done. I know we seem a bit old fashioned – but just because everyone else does it backwards, didn't mean we had to. We had planned on getting married anyway – we just decided to do it earlier. We had talked about kids but decided to wait a few more years. We were enjoying the freedom we had and used it to travel the globe AND play uninhibited naked games at home. We knew couples who had kids and naked games ceased to exist to them.

The morning I left Bella's the first time, I wanted to die. I woke up to Tanya kissing my neck as her hands slid down my chest towards my waist band. At first I allowed myself to relax to her touch but then I remembered those smoldering brown eyes and how they looked as she climaxed around me. "Fuck" – my subconscious was beating me up. Tanya was working on seducing me and here I was thinking about Bella – then I remembered I hadn't even showered since I left Bella's. Not good at all. I quickly invited my wife into the shower with me.

I made love with my wife twice that morning and it was wonderful. Our connection, sexually, was never an issue. We were both adventurous in the bedroom and had tried many different things, most more than once. However, as wonderful as it was, it did not hold a candle to what happened with Bella last night. Holy cow - the pure carnal nature of our connection, physically and emotionally was something I didn't know existed. I knew I could not go the rest of my life without that connection – I truly needed it to breathe.

As the months went on, Bella and I spent more time getting to know one another. We explored each other's minds and bodies and I only fell more in love with the amazing woman. She was smart, witty, challenging and sexy as hell.

This created a difficult conundrum for me. How could I be in love with this beautiful woman I came home to every night and still love and need this other woman so much? I tried to do the right thing so many times yet failed, epically each and every time. I would make up my mind to ask Tanya for a separation and even sit her down to talk but I could never get the words out. Her eyes were so loving and so adoring I wasn't sure I wanted to let her go. Fair? No, but she was an important part of my life for so long and it's not always easy to let something like that go.

I also tried to end it with Bella on a number of occasions but thinking about her not being in my life was honestly much harder than thinking about not having Tanya. I knew I would have to let one of them go and while I knew I should work on making my marriage successful, I knew I wouldn't choose Tanya over Bella. Truly there was no contest. From the moment I laid my eyes on Bella, I was done. I just needed to figure out how to make it all happen.

I was pulled from my thoughts when Emmett came back up the stairs. Hell I didn't even know he'd left. He was whispering to Rose and looked very concerned. I was trying like hell to hear what they were saying. I think Rose wanted me to hear because she was speaking normally when she told Emmett that Bella was a big girl and if she wanted a one night stand, she should have one. She said "it would do her a world of good to get that asshole ex-boyfriend fucked right out of her memory." Oh yeah, she wanted me to hear.

Fuck that, I thought. Bella was not letting some other mother fucker touch her. I quickly excused myself and went downstairs to find her.

Now here I stand, frozen, as that fucking bartender Riley Conners fucks her up against the wall, just like I did that first time. I didn't want to watch as he made her come – I didn't want to see him touch her and watch his ass flex and relax as he pounded into the love of my live. I didn't WANT to but like a car wreck – I couldn't look away. I watched her beautiful face as she came around him and wondered if she was picturing me. I was angry that it wasn't me. I was furious I caused this to happen.

Her eyes popped open and she stared right into my eyes. God she was beautiful and I knew right then I what I wanted – I wanted her, now and forever. I would tell Tanya I was leaving her tonight and then I would make things right with Bella. She would be mine.

The stupid bartender hauled ass right on out the door without so much as a look back at Bella. I was angry that she allowed her self to be used like that. She squeaked out "hi" and I spat out a greeting at her with venom in my voice. She was startled at the tone of my words but surely she realized how hurt I must be after witnessing someone else buried deep inside of her. Her writhing in ecstasy because of his touch, she had to understand how hard that was for me. She had to know exactly how much I love her. She had to know.

I don't know what happened to the filter between my brain and my mouth. Apparently I left it at home because before I knew it, the word just flew out of my mouth. Whore. I basically just called Bella, the love of my life, the reason for my existence, a whore.

I tried to apologize – to tell her I still love her, I still need her. But she held up a hand to stop me from speaking. She tried to exit as gracefully as possible considering the circumstances.

I couldn't let her go without her knowing I love her. If I was going to get her back, she needed to remember, to know that would never change.

She was so sad and broken when she said I didn't love her enough for her to ever be more than my whore. I swallowed, hard. It was at that moment I realized I had been the one who used her, I was the one who made her feel like a whore.

"Oh God, what have I done?" I cried as she left room

I made my way back upstairs mentally berating myself for calling Bella a whore. She was my life, my love and I'd hurt in so many ways.

It didn't take Emmett long to call me out on my behavior and the look on his face when he realized who I was talking about was utter shock. My family really loved Tanya. I'm not sure she ever really felt 100% comfortable around them as they were a very affectionate and boisterous bunch. Tanya's family was much more formal. They loved each other but didn't show it the way we did.

As soon as I realized Tanya had heard it all – part of me was relieved and part of me was broken. Tanya was a wonderful woman and didn't deserve to be hurt. Fuck, I'm an asshole. I managed to hurt both women tonight when all I had done for the last 8 months was try not to hurt either of them.

I convinced Tanya to let me take her home and talk. We laughed and cried together that night. I held her and apologized. I answered her questions about Bella. I told her I was in love with both of them. She told me she wasn't going to let me go without a fight.

She told me she wanted to have a baby. My dick tried to crawl up into my body. I was totally caught off guard. Tanya had been the one to want to put off having kids – she wasn't even sure she actually wanted them at all. I knew it would be a mistake to even discuss bringing children into a marriage with problems, especially one where one party was in love with 2 people. She cried even harder when I told her that wasn't a good idea.

I made a mental note that I would not have sex with my wife again without a condom, if at all. Something told me Tanya wouldn't hesitate to "fight" for me by getting pregnant and that would not be a good thing. I don't believe in staying together wholly for a child. That's not any healthier for a child than a divorce. It may even be more harmful – the child would not grow up knowing what a healthy relationship looked like.

Emmett called my cell phone late that morning. He told me I might want to avoid Rose if I wanted to keep my dick. Rose had known about mine and Bella's relationship the entire time and never threatened to cut my dick off before – I asked him what changed.

"Dude, calling Bella a whore was not your finest moment." He stated incredulously.

"Fuck, I forgot I did that." I whispered. "Em, I didn't mean it – I was caught off guard, I didn't mean to say it. I love her Em."

"Well, Edward, you need to let her go. I told her that I was going to push for you and Tanya to work things out." He stated as if it were fact.

"God damn it Em – you need to stay the fuck out of this. I haven't decided what I want to do and I don't need you interfering in my life." I shouted.

"Edward, you need to get a grip. She is struggling and thinks you already chose Tanya over you. She said she won't go back there anyway. She doesn't want to have only part of something, she wants it all so she's moving on and you need to let her go and work things out with Tanya." He was exasperated.

"Emmett, I don't know if Tanya and I will survive this. Sure I love her but I want it all too and I know what all consuming love feels like and I DON'T have that with Tanya," I exclaimed, "You need to stay the fuck out of my life."

"You need to stay the fuck away from Bella." He was shouting now.

I hung the phone up, not wanting to deal with Emmett any longer. Tears were falling freely down my face. I knew from the beginning this would never end well but I chose to get involved with Bella anyway. Well, I'm not sure it was ever truly a choice – but none the less, here I am – having hurt everyone who meant anything to me. My parents were sure to find out, Alice – god I knew it was only a matter of time before she was banging down my door ready to kick my ass. She loved Tanya and had become great friends with Bella. Tanya was hurting and Bella – God Bella – what I have done to her? How can I fix it? Maybe the better question is "Can I fix it?"


	9. Movin On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As many have said - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just frequently fantasize about Edward oh and they are fabulous!
> 
> This chapter was influenced by Moving On – Rascal Flatts
> 
> This is a short chapter but it's necessary to the outcome.

Previously from Chapter 7

"I was hoping he would choose me, Em. I'm not going to lie. I was hoping he would love me enough to leave her and come back to me. We both know how that panned out." I almost chuckled. "I'm not looking to get back together with him Emmett, in fact, I know now that I was never more than second place and I can't live with myself knowing I settled for that. I would be nothing more than the "whore' he called me last night."

Both Rose and Emmett gasped. "I'll kill the mother fucker." Rose spat out.

Without warning, the tears began to fall. Both Rose and Emmett held me while I cried, hopefully for the last time over Edward Cullen.

Chapter 9 – Moving On

The next few weeks flew by. Edward had actually tried calling me a couple of times but I knew I couldn't talk to him if I was going to remain strong. Edward had made his choice in back in September. Being second choice because his wife found out was not something I could accept. God I wanted nothing more than to feel his arms around me again. I wanted to inhale his sweet musky scent. I wanted to hear him whisper in my ear. I wanted nothing more than to take whatever he could give me. I loved him. No – I still love him. I will always love him. I will go to my grave loving him – but I knew I needed to put distance between us. Emmett told me the entire family was pushing for him to work on his marriage and that Tanya was willing to forgive him. I had to give him the chance to stay with Tanya – he'd made it obvious she was who he wanted.

The morning after the barcaplyse – as that night had become known as – Alice called. I have never wished I had ignored a call like I did that morning.

"Hello," I answered my voice still thick with sleep and scratchy from crying all night.

"Bella, what the fuck is going on? What is this I hear about you fucking my Married Fucking Brother for the last year?" She was ranting and angry.

"Alice, I'm sorry." It was all I could say

"Don't fucking 'I'm sorry' me, bitch!" Yeah, she's pissed

Tears were rolling down my face again, over a Cullen no doubt. At least it wasn't Edward.

"Alice," I sniffled, "What do you want me to do? I didn't want this to happen, I swear. I ended it on my birthday Alice and I haven't seen him since apart from last night."

"How long was this going on Bella? Tell me." She was demanding now.

"I slept with him the night of Eclipse's opening. That was the first time." I admitted to her. I owed her honesty, she had been a very good friend me to me and I'd been dishonest with her from the beginning.

"God Bella, what were you thinking? He was with Tanya that night. What did you do fuck him in the bathroom?" Damn Alice was on a roll.

"Alice, please give me a moment to explain." I begged.

She huffed but shut her mouth. I was thrilled because there was no way I could take anymore of her ranting and raving at me.

"No, Alice. I did not fuck him in the bathroom. It's really not my style."

Alice interrupted, "Not what I hear."

"Listen Alice, if you want to know I suggest you shut your fucking mouth now." I was not used to having to defend myself or my actions - ever and I'll be damned if this little pixie-bitch was going to continue to belittle me. She huffed again but shut her mouth.

"I was on my way out the door to get a cab…" and I proceeded to tell her about the night we met. I explained the chemistry and the promises of forever and finally the break-up. You bet your ass I gave her ALL the gory details. I'm sure just loved hearing how big her brother's cock was or fucking good he was with it. Yes – the inner bitch has arrived – she's tired of being the bad guy but figures, if we are going to be the bad guy, might as well earn the rep.

By the time we hung up, I wasn't sure our friendship would survive. I knew that Alice was pissed and was shocked she didn't see it coming. She was also torn between her friend and her sister-in-law. It hurt to think I would lose Alice, but if I was going to get on with my life I needed as much distance from all things Cullen as I could get.

November 21, 2010

When I returned from my first official book signing that night I was on cloud nine. Seriously – I was signing copies of MY book! I mean could life get any better?

My goddess chose that moment to appear. 'of course life could get better we could have Ed…" I mentally slapped the shit out of her to shut her up then mentally told her to Shut. The. Fuck. Up. and threatened her with no "rabbit" for a month. She shut up quickly. An orgasm was an orgasm these days, self induced was better than none at all.

I had stopped and bought a cheap bottle of champagne on my way home. When I walked in the door I screamed for Rose to come join me in the kitchen. She and Emmett came around the corner a few minutes later. I was disappointed because ever since Edward outed himself to his family, I tried to avoid all things Cullen. Emmett had wasted no time in expressing his displeasure over the affair. To be fair – he had tried to be a little friendlier but we knew it was because of Rose.

"What's up Emmett?" I asked him not really asking – but making small talk.

He rolled his eyes then blurted out. "Edward and Tanya are separating but don't get your hopes up, they are seeing a counselor." It was obvious whose fault he thought that was. It also explained Edward's phone calls.

I paused for a minute and decided it was now or never. I had been toying with this idea for a while but Emmett had just helped me make my decision. "Rose, can we sit and talk, alone?" I asked looking pointedly at my roommate and best friend and I turned and walked to the living room and sat down.

She followed me out and Emmett wisely stared into space. "Sure, Bell – what's up?" She asked as she plopped down on the sofa next to me. I think she was afraid I was going to tell her Emmett couldn't come over anymore.

I wasn't sure how to begin this conversation, so I just blurted it out

"I'm moving out Rose, to Portland." There I said it, whew…

Rose was startled. I had caught her off guard.

"Why, Bella?"

"Rose, I need a fresh start. I need to be on my own and try to pick up the pieces."

"Can't you do that here? I mean why do you have to move?"

"Rose, face it. You are in love with someone that I can't really be around, at least for now anyways." I needed to be honest. "Maybe in time, I can hang out with you guys again, but after what Alice said to me and now Emmett. I just can't do it anymore. You and I will still see each other, but I can't ask you to choose and I have to choose me." I tried to explain.

She had tears in her eyes because she knew I was serious and she knew we'd drift apart because of all of this. We'd seen in too many times and I loved her enough to choose Emmett for her.

"Rose, I came home from the signing and felt better than I'd felt in a long time. And I didn't even get to pop the plastic cork on my cheap champagne before I was in a funk again. I need this. I can't move on with my life if everything is going to continue to be about Edward and here," I waved my hands around, "is all Cullen all the time. I love you Rose, but I have to love me more right now."

Both of had tears flowing down our cheeks and were hugging tightly when Emmett walked in the room.

"What's the Champagne for?" Damn, he could be dense for a pretty smart guy.

"Bella's book signing, " Rose announced proudly through her tears.

"And new adventures." I said sadly to Rose.

Emmett looked like he was about to say something when I abruptly ran to my room. I couldn't be there with him right now.

January 2011

I looked back into my empty room and let myself immerse myself in the luxury of the memories I'd made in that room. I let the tears fall freely as I said my silent goodbyes. I remembered the first time we made love, last time we made love and every time in between. I relished in the memory of every soft touch, every kiss, every broken promise.

He tried to call me for weeks and I never returned his calls. Whether he was leaving his wife now was of no consequence to me. He didn't leave her when it counted and I refuse to spend the rest of my life wondering if he would be with me if hadn't gotten caught. I promised myself I would never settle again and I meant it – not even for Edward.

I wiped the tears from face, held my head high and walked out of my apartment for the last time – ready to begin my new life.


	10. Getting Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First - SM owns all - she just provided us all with the characters we love to play with and fantasize about!
> 
> Next, I'm thrilled at the response my story is getting! It's been posted on 4 community pages, has over 130 reviews, and has been added to favorites more than 100 times! That makes me happy! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and opinions with me it really means a lot for you to take the time to let me know what you think. Lots of mixed feelings on all the characters and lots of people not thrilled with the fact they like Tanya... I'm not either but she's really not a bad person in the book, she just thought Edward was hot - but then again don't we all? So she works being the "good guy" in a story! I'm sorry I'm not replying to all the reviews but I do read and appreciate all of them. I just thought I could spent the time it would take to reply to all of them, writing the next chapter.
> 
> This chapter doesn't have tons of angst but is necessary to lay the foundation for the next few. Really no specific piece of music here - still Moving on and a few happy pieces by my new country boy crush - Jason Aldean. He's a cutie with a rocking sound (I love southern rock). My Kinda Party reminds me of growing up in a small town in the south!

January 2011

I looked back into my empty room and let myself immerse myself in the luxury of the memories I'd made in that room. I let the tears fall freely as I said my silent goodbyes. I remembered the first time we made love, last time we made love and every time in between. I relished in the memory of every soft touch, every kiss, every broken promise.

He tried to call me for weeks and I never returned his calls. Whether he was leaving his wife now was of no consequence to me. He didn't leave her when it counted and I refuse to spend the rest of my life wondering if he would be with me if hadn't gotten caught. I promised myself I would never settle again and I meant it – not even for Edward.

I wiped the tears from face, held my head high and walked out of my apartment for the last time – ready to begin my new life.

January 2012

"Hello" I answered, my voice thick with sleep.

"Bella! I'm sorry I woke you but I couldn't wait, I have the best news!" Rose said animatedly.

"No Rose, it's fine, I just had a late night. What time is it anyway? What's got you in such a state?" I was rambling trying to get my bearings.

"It's just after 7 Bella – but I needed to tell you - Emmett proposed last night! He says to tell you hi!" She was beaming

"Oh Rose – that's wonderful! I'm so happy for both of you!" I truly was thrilled for her.

In spite of my predictions, Rose and I didn't lose touch over the last year. She was truly my friend. She and Emmett had a few battles after I left over his treatment of me. I felt horrible about it. Emmett had every right to be angry with me. After I had been gone a few months I opened the door to my apartment one day to find Emmett, alone, holding a bouquet of wildflowers. I was a little stunned to say the least. He told me that Rose was in town but he wanted to see me alone first. We talked for a while about everything and he apologized for the way he had treated me. He knew it was not all on me and that he had given Edward more hell than he had given me. He tried to talk about him but wouldn't let him say much. It hurt too much to even hear his name. Rose joined us a couple of hours later and Emmett and I had been good since ever since. Alice and I hadn't spoken since the day after the bar incident and I had finally come to terms with it. I missed her and Jasper but knew that there was really no way to fix those relationships.

"Will you be my maid of honor, Bella." Rose asked quietly. I knew the implications of this as well as she did. I'm sure that's the reason for her shyness.

I knew that by agreeing, I would be forced to reenter the world of the Cullen's but she was my best friend and had stuck by me when no one else did. I could do this, for her. It had been more than a year since I'd seen any of them and I knew eventually I would have to face my fears.

"Rose, I wouldn't miss this for the world!" I stated calmly. "Just tell me what you need me to do!"

"I just want you by my side Bella. Always." She sounded tearful and was almost pleading.

"Rose, don't cry. You are my best friend, my sister and of course I will be there, by your side – always." I repeated her plea.

We talked for a while longer and discussed the wedding. She would be a June bride, June 16th to be exact. She said they would have a small but formal wedding. Just family and close friends and they were holding it at Emmett's parent's house. I swallowed hard. I'd never actually met his parents but I was quite certain they would know who I was by now.

"Bella, if you don't think you can do this…" she trailed off.

"Rose – I told you anything you need – and I meant it. It's been a long time and I'm content with where I am now." I stated emphatically. I knew it would be hard, but I was determined to make this day very special for Rose.

We talked about plans for her Bridal shower, since it was my job as Maid of Honor to host it. We would do it at her and Emmett's place in May and we would have the bachelorette party at Eclipse the weekend before the wedding. We didn't want her to be hung over for her wedding and I knew we'd indulge.

After discussing plans for the next two hours, she informed me that Edward was the best man. I knew it before she said it out loud but I shuddered at the thought any way. She assured me that she would be the go between for planning and I would only have to actually see him at the rehearsal dinner and actual wedding. That did little to thwart my fears; seeing him at all was going to be hard. Yes that is the understatement of the century. When we finally hung up with "I love yous" I lay back on my bed and took a deep breath.

"You can do this Bella." I began to mentally prep myself.

I finally rolled out of bed when my stomach began to protest missing breakfast. It was almost 10 now and I needed to finish up the edits on my book. My second book was getting published and the final edits were due to the publisher next week. The only time I went to Seattle was when I had to meet with Kate Garrett from Volturri publishing. Occasionally I would have dinner with Rose but I was always afraid of running into one of the Cullens so I kept my visits short and sweet. This trip would be different. I promised Rose I would stay for a few days to help her with the Wedding plans; flowers, dresses, food – all things bridal. She tried to talk me into staying with her but I preferred to stay in a hotel. The chances of running into a Cullen were too great since she lived with Emmett.

I showered, heated up some leftover chicken and rice and spent the rest of the day trying, without success to work. My mind wandered back to a time I'd spent the last year trying to forget. I knew I'd never forget but I needed it not occupy all of my thoughts all the time. For the most part I'd been successful and was slowly moving on with my life. I'd dated a few men over the last year but nothing had clicked. I promised myself I wouldn't settle and I was keeping that promise. I made some friends but I also learned that I was pretty good company so I didn't mind doing things alone either. I just prayed that this wedding wouldn't set my progress back and would help make me stronger. Please let it make me stronger.

The week flew by and I finished the edits and email them to Kate, we agreed to meet on the following Wednesday at noon for lunch. I climbed in my car at 9 in the morning and made the 3 hour trek to Seattle, fighting nausea the entire drive. I had scheduled a lunch meeting with Kate and arrived at the restaurant around the corner from her office a few minutes early. I made my way in and the hostess led me to a table. Kate showed up a few minutes later.

"Bella!" she exclaimed excitedly and gave me a hug. "I have the best news – they want to schedule you for a book tour since your first one was such a success. Everyone is waiting for Book 2 in the Dawn of Vampires series!" She explained excitedly.

I was taken aback – I wasn't expecting this at all.

"Since the book is scheduled for release at the end of next month, we want to send you out a week before to some of the major chains in New York, Atlanta, Dallas, Chicago and then we'll end here in Seattle on the release date." She continued. "We are going to have a limited number of copies available at the locations which you can sign for a lucky few. It's going to generate a ton of interest!" Since I was one of her first clients who had done well, she was probably more excited than I was.

"Kate, I can't believe this – Me, Bella Swan – going on a book tour?" I was astonished. Sales had started out a little slow. Vampire books are a dime a dozen these days but somehow my little Vampire story had managed to find its way into the hearts of a few teenage girls who began the free advertising on social networking sites and all of a sudden it was on best seller lists around the world. I guess the teenage girls still believed in love against all odds. Suddenly I was beginning to panic about the second book. What if they were disappointed that in the end, true love wasn't enough for my characters? The second book did not have a happily ever after. Of course that was the way real life worked so they might as well get used to that idea now, my inner goddess lamented. She wasn't happy at all with the lack of action she was seeing. She longed for what we used to have and battery operated devises just could not compare to what He was capable of.

I shook the thoughts off quickly and Kate and I discussed the last edits I'd made and she said it'd be at the printers by the end of the month.

Kate and I hugged good-bye and I made my way to the Mediterranean Inn. It had this wonderful roof top deck that looked out over Elliott Bay and the Space Needle. It was a little higher per night than I would normally want to pay, I was more of a motel 6 kind of girl not growing up with lots of money, but with the success of my first book and my second one getting ready to hit the shelves, I could afford it now and since I was planning on being here 5 days – I'd need a little more comfortable bed than Motel 6 afforded.

I called Rose as soon as I got settled and we agreed to meet up for dinner. I decided I'd wait until tonight to tell her my good news. I had time for a nap so I settled in and tried to shut all of the ramblings in my brain. Between the wedding and the book tour, I had a lot going on.

When I arrived at the restaurant, the hostess let me know the rest of my party was here. I assumed she meant Rose and Emmett so when we rounded the corner and I saw a table full of Cullens and an older couple I didn't know, I stopped in my tracks. I was going to kill Rose. She could have given me some warning. I wasn't prepared to deal with all of this. Rose saw me stop in my tracks and immediately got up and made her way over to me.

She embraced me and gave a squeeze, "Bella, I'm sorry – but we needed to get everyone together before the wedding and I wasn't sure you'd come."

"Rose, damn it." I exclaimed nervously, "I told you I'd do whatever you needed me to – it's about time you put some fucking trust in ME." I was pissed now.

I glared up at her, "Is HE going to be here?" She didn't need to ask who he was.

"No, Bella, just Alice and Jasper and Carlisle and Esme. Alice is going to be a bride's maid and she and Esme are helping with the planning. Alice promises to behave and, no, before you ask – Carlisle and Esme do not know."

"I'm assuming they are Emmett's parents." I stated and my agitation was obvious.

Rose just nodded.

I decided I needed to pull up my big girl panties and deal. Maybe getting together now would help.

Emmett stood up and gave me a hug. I was grateful we were able to get past the fact that I had an affair with his brother. He treated me like a little sister now and I was happy with the way our relationship developed. I'd always wanted a big brother.

"Bella, I'm so glad you're here!" He was so excitable, just like a little boy. "Bella, you know Alice and Jasper."

I nodded in their direction. Alice gave me a luke warm nod and Jasper gave me a genuine smile. I'd always like Jasper.

"and, I'd like to introduce me to my parents, Carlisle and Esme Cullen."

"Bella, it's so nice to finally meet you, we've heard so much about you!" Esme exclaimed as she stood and walked over to give me a hug.

I almost panicked but remembered Rose told me they didn't know.

Carlisle had a big smile on his face , "Yes Bella, we've been looking forward to meeting you! Emmett is very taken with you."

"Nice to meet you both, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen." I said as I returned Esme's hug.

Alice piped in, "It's Dr. Cullen." She was just not bitchy, barely.

"Actually," Dr. Cullen said, "It's Carlisle and Esme, we are practically family now." He stated.

I smiled hesitantly; he didn't know how much I really wanted to be a part of this family at one point.

Dinner was nice and the tension with Alice dissipated somewhat as we discussed wedding plans. She still wasn't overly friendly but I didn't detect the bitchiness I'd experienced earlier. I guess she was resigned to the fact that if we were going to have to work together on the wedding, we might as well be civil.

"Bella, I almost forgot, you said you had some good news to share tonight." Rose came at me out.

I'd honestly forgotten about it when I arrived.

"Rose, really it's nothing, we can talk about it later and we have so much to do for your wedding." I tried, in vain, to redirect the conversation. There were too many people and I didn't want to be the center of attention.

"Bella, come on spill. I've been waiting for you to tell me all day and you seemed pretty excited this afternoon." She was going to be distracted.

"Really Rose, It's not a big deal. Kate just told be earlier that I was going to do a whirlwind book tour for the next book."

Rose gasped. "Bell oh my god! That is fabulous!""

Esme got a look on her face that confused me, like a light bulb just went off. "Oh my god, you're Isabella Swan? How did I not realize this? Dawn of Vampires is fabulous!"

I blushed, "Thanks, Esme."

"That's really great for you Bella," a voice I wasn't expecting to hear from spoke up.

"Thanks Alice." I gave her a soft smile and she returned it. I thought, maybe things won't be so bad after all. That was until Esme spoke again.

"My daughter-in-law and I both love that book." She sounded forlorn as she spoke of her and the mood around the table changed dramatically.

My heart started beating faster and thankfully Emmett changed the subject quickly.

"So Bella, tell us more. Where are you going?"

I told them about the tour and everyone's moods quickly turned happy again.

We all said our goodbyes and Rose reminded us all to be at the bridal shop in the morning at 10 am.

I got back to my room and ordered a bottle of wine from room service. I needed a drink, or ten tonight. While the evening went better than I expected at first, it was still nerve racking. I turned the TV on and found an oldies music channel and sipped on my wine. My mind was busy going over the events of the night and I found myself wondering what had Esme so sad when she mentioned Tanya. To my knowledge, she didn't know about Edward's affair, or at least she didn't know it was me. Last I heard, they were going to counseling so I could only assume that they were still together trying to work on their marriage and Esme did say her "daughter –in-law" so that in itself told me they had to be together still. My heart thumped a little harder at the thought – god why did it still have to hurt so much?

'Shit' I exclaimed out loud to the empty room - I had to stop these thoughts in their track. I knew I'd eventually run into them – at the very least at the rehearsal dinner so I'd have to learn to come to grip with the fact the he chose her sooner rather than later. A year later and it still wasn't any better.

The next few days went by quickly. Rose found her dress. It was beautiful and so Rose. She chose black bridesmaid dresses. Since they were getting married at 6 pm, it would be a formal affair, with everyone in tuxes and formal dresses. Black seemed to play on that better than any of the typical summer pastel colors. We visited the caterer and picked the menus for both the rehearsal and wedding dinners and the florist where she chose red roses for the arrangements and white and red for her bouquet. Even though the guest list would be small, the level of elegance would be off the charts.

I couldn't believe we had gotten so much accomplished in such a short period of time. Working with Alice and Esme made it easy. Of course Alice had started planning her wedding since birth so she was an expert all things matrimonial. By the end of the week, Alice and I were much friendlier. She never mentioned her brother and of course I never did. I just decided we could start from scratch and see if a friendship bloomed again. If not, oh well, at least we'd be able to be civil which was important since her brother was marrying my best friend. They did try talking me into going to Eclipse a couple of nights but I just claimed exhaustion from the day's activities and it was soon dropped.

I left Seattle Sunday afternoon feeling a lot better about the wedding and about life in general.

When I got back home my neighbor, Bree was going out with some mutual friends and insisted I come with her to celebrate the book tour. Jessica, Lauren, Bree and I decided to walk up to McCarty's, a neighborhood bar up the road. It was a friendly little place and it saved us from assigning a designated driver or worrying about getting a cab later. We toasted my success and the success of my trip. Bree knew all about my past life in Seattle but none of our other friends did. Bree would never replace Rose in my life, but she was the closest thing to a best friend I had in Portland.

We were all feeling really good after a few hours and more than a few cocktails later. I knew I'd be feeling it in the morning but couldn't find it in myself to care. Bree suggested we shoot a game of pool so we got a rack of balls from the bartender and went to only open table. Jessica was racking for the first game when a cute blond approached her. She got flustered a nervous and it was funny. She was usually confident when it came to guys but for some reason this guy turned her into a stuttering mess. I laughed. He introduced himself as Mike then introduced his friends, Eric, Tyler and Marcus, or Marc as he preferred to be called. The eight of us had a great time that night and everyone sort of ended up pairing off – no not make out pairing off but conversation pairing off. Marc and I talked all night and he ended up walking me home. He was definitely someone I could enjoy getting to know. Tall, dark hair with these wonderfully bright blue eyes with depth to them and he was a gentleman. When we got to my building, he didn't even try to get me to invite him up but he did ask for my number and we made plans to go out next weekend.

I walked into my apartment that night feeling more hopeful than I had in a long time. Life was truly looking up.


	11. What Hurts the Most

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we all know and many of us are jealous of - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just have frequent fantasies about Edward and oh are they fabulous!
> 
> This has been my longest between updates. I struggled with this a lot. I've known where this chapter would end for quite some time but I couldn't make anything come together. I'm still not thrilled with it but it's necessary. I was going to write a lemon but honestly couldn't bring myself to do it without Edward.
> 
> Thanks for your patience.

Previously

Marc and I talked all night and he ended up walking me home. He was definitely someone I could enjoy getting to know. Tall, dark hair with these wonderfully bright blue eyes with depth to them and he was a gentleman. When we got to my building, he didn't even try to get me to invite him up but he did ask for my number and we made plans to go out next weekend.

I walked into my apartment that night feeling more hopeful than I had in a long time. Life was truly looking up.

Chapter 11

May 2011

The last few months really flew by. My book tour was successful beyond anyone's expectations and the pre-release sales pushed my second to number 1 on the best seller, which increased the sales of the first book and pushed into the top ten. Marc Cauis had been there to celebrate with me through it all and I was eternally grateful.

Marc and I started off slowly. He was recovering from having his first love walk out of his life with no explanation. He and Irina had been living together for a couple of years. He had been looking at engagement rings for a while when he came home one day to find her bags by the front door and Irina telling him, "It's me, not you." Marc was devastated.

He knew I had my heartbroken, but he didn't know Edward was married. I tried to explain as best as I could without him thinking Edward was a two-timing douche-bag because even though technically he was two-timing – I believe he loved me he just loved Tanya more. Marc still thought he was an idiot and two-timing douche-bag. Did I tell you, I really like Marc?

"Sure, Rose, I have to come down to see Kate next week so I can just plan on staying for a few extra days." Rose was getting nervous about the wedding; it was only about 6 weeks away and as her Maid of Honor, I needed to devote as much of myself to her as possible.

I had managed to somehow avoid Edward and Tanya on my trips and had refused to listen whenever anyway attempted to talk about either of them. Esme was the hardest to avoid the conversation with because she had no idea I was the catalyst behind their marital problems. I assumed they were still together as I did hear her name occasionally but I would leave the conversation and hopefully the area as soon as possible.

Alice and I had not totally reconciled but at least we were able to sit in the same room with each other. It was important to Rose so I was willing to do whatever it took to make things smooth.

"Maybe you should bring Marc with you this time." Rose stated.

"They still have a few weeks of class left so he can't take off during the week," I informed her, "but maybe he can come up for the weekend." I said as my thoughts began to wander places I didn't want them to go.

Rose was not a huge fan of Marc's. She really hadn't spent a whole lot of time with him since we were in Seattle so I'm not sure what her issue was with him but here she is asking me to bring him up.

"What's up Rose? You don't even like Marc so now why all the interest in him coming up?" I already knew but I wanted to make her sweat and man up. She had been a chicken shit the first weekend we got together to plan the wedding when she blind sided me with the whole fucking Cullen clan – there was no way she was getting out of saying this shit out loud.

"Bella, I know you don't want to see or talk about him," Rose didn't need to elaborate or say his name; I knew who she was talking about. "But," she continued, "with only a few weeks left before the wedding, I can't keep you guys apart any more. We are going to Eclipse that Saturday night and he will be there." The thing about Rose was she didn't pull any punches.

"Rose, I know, but it's been more than a year and a half and I can do this whether Marc comes or not. I knew this day would come and I appreciate your keeping us a part for this long. Frankly I'm amazed we didn't run into each other before." I was rambling because truthfully, I was really all that okay yet.

"Breathe Bella." Rose wasn't an idiot but I could pretend.

We talked for a little while longer and finalized plans for my final dress fitting and my visit the next week. I took a deep breath, made my way into my bedroom and flung myself across my bed. This was going to be so hard.

It had taken a long time to come to grips with the fact I could never have Edward the way I wanted him. It had truly been a mistake to get involved in that relationship, but I could never actually bring myself to regret it. I knew that I would go my to my grave harboring feelings for the "one that got away" and in spite of my declarations of never settling, I knew if I wanted a family, a 'home', of my own I would have to settle for less than perfection in my relationship but at least I wouldn't have to compromise my soul.

I called Kate to confirm our meeting next week. We had been contacted by a producer who wanted to discuss turning my books into movies. When she told me the producer needed to move it up from Thursday to Monday, I mentally cringed. I really didn't want to spend the entire week in Seattle. For one, I'd miss Marc and my friends here in Portland. I had really settled into my life in Portland and with all the positive things that had happened to me since I started over here, I think this is where my life was meant to be.

I contemplated coming back home after my meeting with Kate for a few days since I wasn't supposed to have any commitments with Rose until Friday morning's dress fittings. After trying to talk myself out of driving home Monday afternoon, I decided that I should be a better friend and maid of honor. I picked up the phone and called Rose back to let her know I'd be coming in Sunday night and staying through the following Sunday. When I mentioned staying at a hotel she demanded that I stay with her. I thought about arguing with her but decided it might be better if I just sucked it up so it would be easier to see him at the wedding. Yeah, I'll just keep telling myself and we'll see if it ever makes it true.

"Hello," I answered my phone not paying attention to the caller id.

"Hey babe," Marc said, sounding tired.

"Hey," I replied sounding distant.

"What's up Bells? You sound sad." He knew me well.

"Babe, I have to go Seattle Sunday night since Liam had to move the production meeting." He knew the struggles I had with Seattle.

"Hey, I can get a sub for Monday and go with you; we can get a honeymoon suite and have a mini vacation. Hey maybe we can go up Friday night." He sounded excited about the prospect.

I was going to have to disappoint him and it really bothered me to do it.

"Marc, baby, I've been a lousy maid of honor and the wedding is only a few weeks away. Also I have my dress fitting later in the week – so I thought I'd just stay the whole week and come home Sunday." I was speaking quietly.

"Hey, babe, don't you worry your pretty little head about it." He replied sweetly. "I know you need to spend time with Rose." He took a deep breath. "Baby – I know this will be hard for you but if you need me, you let me know." He said softly. "How about I come up Friday night, we could have our romantic weekend then?"

"Marc, I'd love for you to come up, but I promised Rose I'd stay there." He let a deep sigh escape and I felt very guilty.

"She did say if you wanted to come, you're welcome to stay there too."

Nothing.

"Marc?"

He took a deep breath and started. "Bella, babe, I know this will be hard and you feel like you need to face this on your own."

I was shocked. I didn't want to face this on my own.

"If you get there and it's too much, I'll come down." He continued.

I shut him out at that point. How could he think I was ready to this alone?

"Bella." I heard from a distance.

"Oh, Marc – I'm sorry – I got lost for a minute there." He knew where I was – but it was okay as he went there sometimes too.

"Hey, I'm coming over – you better have beer form me woman." He joked and I laughed.

I was waiting for him at the door with a Corona. He preferred heavier imports but Corona and Stella was as far as from Michelob Light as I would go.

He laughed and the hugged me tight. I could feel him straining against his zipper but he knew I just needed to talk and laugh. So we turned on the television but I don't think we ever actually picked a show. We drank beer and laughed. He had a few beers too many so he spent the night just holding me. Our sex life was not all-consuming like our previous relationships had been. It felt more adult, more stable in some ways.

Marc and I were comfortable with each other and I even saw myself loving him in a way some day. He said he saw that possibility to but for now, we were just content to be with each other.

We spent the weekend making love and he helped me pack up my car for my week long stay in Seattle. At this point he wasn't planning on coming Friday but told me all I had to do was ask and he'd be there.

We said good-bye Sunday afternoon with kisses and miss you's.

A little more than three hours later, I was pulling into Rose's driveway. She and Emmett had traded apartment living for homeownership a few months ago. They thought if they were going to play grown-up, they ought to do it right. Eclipse was doing very well and Rosalie's auto body shop, Rose's Restorations was finally breaking even. She was thrilled – she knew it would be tough for her to break into the car resto business as it was truly full of good old boys but she had persevered and while she wasn't making a ton of money – she was making payroll and all bills every month. It was a win for her.

Emmett was out the front door before I could get out of my car. We he reached me; he twirled me around and gave me a typical Emmett bear hug. I was so glad we were able to get past the issues surrounding his brother. I loved this big oaf and more importantly, Rose did. He was going to be in my life for a long time.

The three of played catch-up and stayed up entirely too late talking and laughing at Emmett's latest antics. When my alarm went off at 6 am, I was cussing both of them for keeping me up and myself for not getting a hotel.

I showered, grabbed a cup of coffee and drove up town arriving a twenty minutes early for my appointment with Kate and Liam. We had decided on a quaint little breakfast house that served everything from pancakes to Eggs Benedict.

The hostess seated me and I ordered a cup of coffee. The lack of sleep was catching up to me already and I needed to be alert and focused. This meeting was more than I ever dreamed of. I always loved writing but I never thought I'd be so popular I'd get a movie deal.

I heard the chime on the door and looked up to see if it might be Kate. She usually got to these meetings earlier than I did. As soon as I looked up my stomach got queasy. This wasn't happening. Really not today, of all days, please god not today. The queasiness was nothing to the way my heart broke in the next second. There, standing in the door way was Tanya, kissing her mother-in-law, Esme on the cheek. When Tanya turned, I could see it – the final proof I needed that he was gone forever – there it was the proof he loved her more. Protruding from Tanya's midsection was a rather obvious bump that could only mean one thing.


	12. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we all know and many of us are jealous of - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just have frequent fantasies about Edward and oh are they fabulous!
> 
> I was trying for an earlier update – but RL is kicking me in the butt right now. I will be driving 900+ miles this weekend for a soccer tournament – so I don't know if I will post again before next week. I should be able to update at least once a week – but won't promise more than that!
> 
> I am thrilled at the reaction the last chapter received. Most folks were a little caught off guard – which I hoped for! Pretty good cliffy if I may say so…LOL
> 
> I'm thrilled to having more than 200 reviews now – and I try to respond to new reviewers or specific questions/concerns but it's so overwhelming and time consuming sometimes. I do get a little giddy when I see new ones and a read and appreciate them all. Please continue to let me know what you think – and share your ideas!
> 
> Yes, we will have another EPOV soon to catch us up on his life but we can't hear from him just yet.
> 
> Thanks for sticking around!

Previously Chapter 11

There, standing in the door way was Tanya, kissing her mother-in-law, Esme on the cheek. When Tanya turned, I could see it – the final proof I needed that he was gone forever – there it was the proof he loved her more. Protruding from Tanya's midsection was a rather obvious bump that could only mean one thing.

Chapter 12 – The Aftermath

The whole world just stopped rotating in that moment. It had been so long and yet this felt like a red hot knife piercing my chest. I could feel my stomach begin to churn and it was about to reject the miniscule amount of coffee in my stomach so I quickly jumped up and ran to the rest room where I proceeded to dry heave after the coffee made its reappearance. After a few minutes I was able to calm myself so I grabbed some paper towel and rinsed my mouth out and splashed cool water on my face. I steeled myself and walked back into the dining room where I spotted Kate at the table. I plastered a smile to my face as I tried to look around the restaurant to spot Tanya. I didn't see her and thought maybe they were leaving instead of coming in.

Kate took one look at me and knew something was wrong.

"Bella, you look like you've seen a ghost girl, what happened." Kate sounded concerned.

"Not feeling well Kate, that's all." I tried to sound convincing but apparently failed – epically.

"Then tell me why you were looking around this dining room so intently? You need to get yourself together before Liam gets here." Kate was my friend but she was my publisher/agent first and this is a business meeting.

"Kate, I'm really Okay – I did see an ex's wife here and it just kind of hit me a little harder than it should have. I haven't even see the man in nearly 2 years but wasn't expecting to see her pregnant." I hoped Kate didn't hear the panic and misery in my voice.

"Bella, I'm sorry. Sometimes the past has a way of sneaking up on it doesn't it." Kate had no idea how prophetic those words were in that moment.

I managed to pull myself together and Liam showed up a few minutes later. The meeting was fairly relaxed and I deemed it successful. When Liam got up to leave he promised to send me details as well as director and actor options. While I didn't want to make the decision out-right, I wanted to make sure my characters were presented like they were written. The wrong actor or director could take the whole feel of the story in a different direction. People fell in love with the characters the way they were written and I wanted those personalities to be what appeared on the big screen. I was so excited about the concessions I'd received that I had forgotten about the devastating encounter when I arrived this morning.

After hugs and congratulations, Kate and I made our way to the door. I vaguely heard someone say 'Kate' as we walked through the dining room but my mind was still reeling from the excitement. Kate told me to wait a second she wanted to say hello to her cousin. I came back from my internal revelry and turned into time to see Kate hugging Tanya. I could feel the blood rushing from my head and I swayed a little from the dizziness it caused. I grabbed the back of another patron's chair and contemplated my options. My instinct was to turn and run like hell out of the restaurant and hope no one noticed. I couldn't just stand here – there was no way this was going to end well. The man in the chair I grabbed stood up and asked if I was okay and tried to help me steady myself. His companion was concerned and asked the waiter for a glass of water for me. It was all very nice of them but all I wanted to do was to tell them to shut the fuck up and stop drawing attention to me. Of course it was too late for that. I'd love to tell you exactly what happened but it's all sort of fuzzy. I do know the waiter brought me water. I know that I sat down in the man's seat and Kate kneeled in front of me concerned. I know I looked up to see Tanya with an incredulous look on her face and Esme with a concerned one. The last thing I really remember clearly is Kate and Esme saying, "Oh my god, It was you."

I got the hell out of there as quickly as I could and somehow managed to drive to Rose's house where I ran into the guest room I was using and collapsed on the floor by the door. This is where Rose found me once again, shaking and in tears.

Rose sat with me and rocked me kissing my hair and whispering shhh into it. It was a very motherly gesture and one I needed. When I was calm enough to talk I explained what happened when Kate and I were leaving. I didn't mention seeing the baby bump since I was sure she already knew and I didn't want to discuss that. My lack of moral character had just been discovered by two people I would be forced to be around a lot in the coming weeks and months. Esme was the mother of the groom who was marrying my best friend and the mother of the man I had an affair with. Kate was my publisher and agent and apparently the cousin of the wife of the man I was in love with.

They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I'm beginning to wish God didn't trust me quite so much.

"Only you, Bella. Only you." Rose giggled a little which made me giggle a little and before I knew we were laughing like idiots, which is how Emmett found us when he came in a little while later.

Emmett didn't find the story very amusing as he had heard from Esme earlier in the day. She was having a very hard time with it apparently she really liked me and had enjoyed spending time with me while we planned the wedding. Now she wasn't sure how she was going to be in the same room with me.

"Come on Bella, we need to talk about all this." Emmett stated flatly and led Rose and I out into the living room.

I sat down and gave Emmett my version of the story and he confirmed that is pretty much what Esme had told him. We talked for a while longer and he let both Rose and I know that he would be relaying any necessary information to Esme if Alice wasn't in on discussions. Esme wouldn't be able to attend any meetings I was at since I was responsible for the downfall of her son's marriage.

"Wait. Back-up Em." I stopped him mid word. "What do you mean by the "downfall of his marriage? I know getting involved with Edward was wrong but I was the one that ended it and I certainly never had any intention of "outing" him, ever – that is all on him. Besides, I saw Tanya's baby bump Emmett. Apparently they were able to work things out." I was trying hard to hold it together.

"Bella? What are you talking about?" Emmett asked incredulously. "Didn't Rose tell you? Tanya filed for divorce shortly after they entered marriage counseling. They haven't been together for a long time now and Tanya's been seeing a guy named James something or another and she got pregnant."

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. They weren't together, it isn't his baby. I looked to the heavens and whispered "thank you."

"No Emmett, I didn't know." I said quietly and then pointedly looked at Rose. "No one bothered to tell me." I was pissed now.

"Listen Bella, first of all you wouldn't listen to anything that concerned Edward." Rose was more than irritated at me. "Second – you said you knew you couldn't handle knowing you'd always be his second choice and when they separated, I knew you'd go back to him if you could at that time. And that was the last thing you needed at that point." She was glaring at me, daring me to challenge that.

I just shook my head and looked at my lap. I knew she was right.

My mind starting going off in all sorts of directions; part of me wanted to run to Edward and throw myself at his feet. Part of me wanted to run to Portland and let Marc hold me and lie to me by telling me everything would be okay. Part of me wanted to run to Kansas where I know no one and could start a new. Rose could always find another best friend, right? In the end, I decided to retreat to Tara – channeling my inner Scarlett - I would deal with this tomorrow. "After all, tomorrow is another day."

The rest of the week was actually pretty uneventful outside of the wedding stuff. I spoke with Marc a couple of times and told him what all was going on. He was very understanding. Almost too understanding about how I felt. At Rose's insistence, I invited him up again for the weekend but he declined telling me I had to face this all so I would be sure about the rest of my life. Rose disliked him even more for that. She really didn't want me to be a lone when I saw Edward – she didn't think it would be good for me. I'm not sure I agreed with her. I needed to know if I would ever be able to move on. I needed to know why he picked her and I needed to know if what we had was imagined or real. I had not had a conversation with him since my birthday nearly two years ago. Yes we had spoken words once – but heated words after he watched some guy drill me in a bar didn't count.

I didn't sleep Friday night in spite of the 3 bottles of wine Rose and I drank. Guess what I learned – hangovers come whether you go to sleep or not. My head was pounding and my mouth was bottom of the bird cage gross. Wine hangovers are the worst! I dragged my ass out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen to the coffee pot. Caffeine - I need Caffeine. And grease. Thank god Rose had an auto coffee pot and someone had been sober enough to remember to set it last night. I poured myself a cup and took a sip - mmmmm. I then opened the refrigerator in search of grease. Bacon – I could do that. I pulled a few slices out of the package, wrapped them in paper towel and placed them in the microwave. I didn't have the energy to actually cook them in a pan. A couple of 2 minute cycles later, I had my bacon and was on my second cup of coffee. Rose then stumbled into the kitchen also looking for the magic brew. I didn't utter a word to her because a hung over Rose was not a nice person.

After we both had enough coffee, Rose filled me in on the plans for the day and I was thrilled. One word: Spa. This meant I would be able to nap a little – I hoped. Otherwise I would not make it out tonight and I wanted, no needed to see Edward.

Rose informed me that Esme had decided not to come but Alice would be joining us. She said that Alice told her that Esme was going to try to come out but decided that she needed a little more time to come to grips with the fact that I was the other woman. Rose said Esme was pissed at everyone. Me, Emmett, Alice and especially Edward.

A little while later, Rose, Alice and I were walking into the spa ready to be pampered. Normally I don't do the spa day thing but this time I needed to be pampered and was looking forward to it. The passed quickly with manicure, pedicures, facials, hot stone massages, waxing (uggg that shit hurts. How the hell do women stand to have all their bits waxed? Eyebrows and legs are bad enough but to put it THERE? Not this girl. I'll trim it and keep it neat – but I'll be damned if hot wax goes any where near the who-ha… not in this lifetime.

We went back to Rose's and got dressed for the evening. I was nervous as hell. I couldn't make up my mind what to wear, hell who am I kidding – at this moment – I can't make a decision on whether I need to pee or not.

Rose and Alice to the rescue? More like torture. When they finished I had to admit I looked good. They dressed me in jeans with a royal blue button up blouse. There was nothing overtly sexy about it but blue is definitely my color and I looked good. Once last look in the mirror and it was time to put on the big girl panties.

The drive took forever, or so it seemed. Emmett had been at the club for a while making sure all was ready for opening and making sure the staff set up correctly for the party in the VIP section. We arrived and walked straight passed the long line waiting to get it which garnered the 3 of us quite a few nasty looks from all the girls waiting in the line. As soon as we stepped through the door I could feel the electricity humming in the place. He was already here. As we ascended the stairs, the current go stronger. It took me back to the first night I walked up the stairs and found those green eyes looking into my soul. As I neared the top, I took a deep breath to steady my nerves and followed Rose and Alice up the last 3 steps. As soon as I reached the top and lifted my eyes, I was greeted by the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen and just like he did more than 2 years ago – he looked straight into my soul. I grinned at him and gave him a little wave and he returned my grin with his crooked smile that melted my heart.


	13. The Heartache that Won't Stop Hurting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we all know and many of us are jealous of - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just have frequent fantasies about Edward and I've added Jason Aldean to my rotation this week!
> 
> I really hoped to have this out at the end of last week but I wasn't happy with anything I wrote so I started over. I also thought I'd do their reunion in Edward's POV first – mostly to make up for my failure to update the last couple of weeks.
> 
> Thanks for sticking around!

Previously

As soon as we stepped through the door I could feel the electricity humming in the place. He was already here. As we ascended the stairs, the current go stronger. It took me back to the first night I walked up the stairs and found those green eyes looking into my soul. As I neared the top, I took a deep breath to steady my nerves and followed Rose and Alice up the last 3 steps. As soon as I reached the top and lifted my eyes, I was greeted by the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen and just like he did more than 2 years ago – he looked straight into my soul. I grinned at him and gave him a little wave and he returned my grin with his crooked smile that melted my heart.

Chapter 13 – The Heartache that Won't Stop Hurting

I felt her the moment she walked in the door. The anxiety over seeing her again after all this time was killing me. The last time I saw her, I basically called her a whore and she told me I had made her what she was. I couldn't argue with her – even though I knew she wasn't a whore – I had to admit I was the reason she felt that way.

When Emmett told me she was coming tonight, I wasn't sure how I felt. I had tried to talk to her when Tanya found out about our affair but she wouldn't take my calls. Then, she changed her number. Rose let it slip one day that she'd left town and I felt my reason for living was gone. I was angry that she let go so easily. She knew this was a complicated situation but I told her over and over how much I loved her and how we would be together. I mean she knew how I felt didn't she? Then I remembered her birthday and the look on her face when I broke yet another promise – then I remember how I felt when I realized she was letting me go. May she didn't know or just stopped believing in me. Looking back I can't say that I blame her. She was getting closer – I could feel her radiating through my soul. I took a deep breathe as the current got stronger. I saw Rose and Alice ascend and then there she was. God she was beautiful. She looked up and our eyes met. I waited with baited breathe when finally, she grinned at me and gave me a little wave. I returned it with the crooked little smile that I knew she loved and felt almost whole for the first time in a long time.

After Tanya found out about my love affair with Bella, we started seeing a marriage counselor. I owed her that much and I really did love her. But in the end, I was forced to admit that I wasn't going to stop loving Bella and Tanya couldn't live with knowing my heart was elsewhere. She filed for divorce a few months after she found out about the affair and I didn't contest it. My parents, Esme and Carlisle were broken hearted. They thought of Tanya as a second daughter and when they found out I cheated, I wasn't sure they'd ever speak to me again. I never told them the who's and why's – not that it would have made a difference in their eyes. I promised Tanya to love, honor and cherish her for our entire lives and failed epically at the task.

It didn't take Tanya long to get back in the saddle really. She met James Lassiter at the office where I work. I think initially she was trying to make me jealous but she ended up falling hard for him. I wasn't too surprised when she called me to let me know she was pregnant. She didn't want rumors flying around about me or James. In spite of how and why our marriage ended, at the end of the day, we cared enough for each other to want the best life had to offer for each other. Tanya was truly happy with James and was truly happy with her. James and I had never been friends but always worked well together. He seemed like a stand-up guy.

Now that Tanya had found her happiness, the guilt I felt for hurting everyone in my life was easing and I was ready to find my happiness. The heartache over losing Tanya was only because I hurt her, not because I regretted it being over. The heartache I felt whenever I thought of losing Bella, was a pain I'd never felt before and I needed it to end. I knew Bella was the only one I'd ever have it all with; passion, love, all consuming desire. The biggest problem, no one would tell me where she was; only that she was happy and had moved on. I didn't believe it was too late. I couldn't believe it was too late. The connection Bella and I had, HAVE, is not something either of us would ever find again and anything else would be settling.

In spite of all my attempts to get Alice, Rose or Emmett to tell me where she was, I still had no idea. Jasper wouldn't even acknowledge me if I tried to bring her up. Alice was still very angry at Bella. She really thought they were friends and she felt betrayed by both of us, but more so by Bella. When Alice found out that we'd been seeing each other since the night we all met she couldn't believe how she missed all the signs that were so "glaringly obvious now." I'm really not sure about that. I don't think Bella and I were in the same room when they were around but that was Alice. She hated not knowing "all" and I think she was more pissed that Rosalie knew and she didn't. Either way I finally told her it was none of her fucking business and that she didn't need to get in the middle of it. Maybe that has something to do with her not telling me how to find Bella.

I finally stopped pestering them when Emmett proposed to Rose and I knew it was inevitable I would see her at the wedding. I even let them keep me away from all the pre-wedding events that "Bella will be there this time." Well sort of. Every time I knew she'd be somewhere, I would loom in the background watching her from afar. So many times I wanted to approach her – tell her how much I missed her - tell her I should have chosen her long ago. But I knew it wasn't the right time and after almost two years without her in my life, I was willing to wait a few more months if it meant I could have her there, forever.

Now – here I stand looking into those deep brown eyes, wanting nothing more than wrap my arms around her and feel her body pressed to mine. Okay – maybe I would prefer that to happen sans clothes – hell I am a man but I knew from Emmett that she was involved with someone else. I was relieved when Rose said that HE couldn't come tonight. I'm not sure seeing Bella with someone else would have ended well for anyone. I needed time with Bella to see if it was truly over or if I had a shot and having her boyfriend there might impede those efforts.

I needed to know if she was truly happy where she was, or if, like me – wished for the heartache to end.

I decided that I needed to put on the big boy pants and walked over to where she was standing.

"Hey." I almost whispered

"Hey." She was almost breathy as she looked up at me through her eyelashes. She wasn't necessarily flirting; it was more of a shy gesture.

I couldn't believe how awkward I felt standing there – almost like I was a teenager again. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't sure how this would play out. When I took Bella home the first time, I knew we would fuck if I decided that's what I wanted. It was a forgone conclusion. When I first met Tanya and asked her out – I knew there was no way she'd say no. Hell – I had never really had to work to get what I wanted and now here I stood having no clue where I stood. It was a feeling I did not like very much.

Bella started giggling nervously, "Well, this is not awkward at all is it." It was a statement – not a question and I just laughed.

"No, not awkward at all," I replied. We both were quiet again – it felt wrong to be in her presence and not know what to say. We had been comfortable with each other from the moment we met.

"Well, it was good seeing you Edward." Bella said sounding a little sad as she turned to walk towards the others.

I couldn't let her walk away. She'd walked away from me before and I didn't see her for almost 2 years – that was not happening again – now that she's here in front of me I refused to let it happen again – EVER. So I did the only thing I could think of in that moment. I grabbed her and kissed her, hard.


	14. Do I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we all know and many of us are jealous of - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I grateful for being able to play with Bella and Edward, especially Edward!
> 
> Again, I was trying for an earlier update – but RL is still kicking me in the butt right now. I will complete this story and will update as often as possible. My goal will always be within a week – but right now that seems to be impossible – so I'll go for 2 weeks at the absolute outside! Thanks for sticking around!

Previously

As soon as I reached the top and lifted my eyes, I was greeted by the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen and just like he did more than 2 years ago – he looked straight into my soul. I grinned at him and gave him a little wave and he returned my grin with his crooked smile that melted my heart.

My heart was beating wildly in my chest and I'm certain it could be heard reverberating through the club even above the music and laughter.

As if it were possible, it began to beat even faster as I watched him move towards me. A sense of relief, then panic washed over me as he approached. I hadn't felt whole in so long now and just being near him brought me a peace I hadn't felt before. The panic set in when I remembered he had chosen Tanya over me and that even though he made me feel whole like this – he was the one who broke me to start with.

"Hey." He almost whispered

"Hey." I was almost breathy as I looked up at him feeling very shy.

The air between us was tense and awkward and very uncomfortable. It was a strange feeling since this man knew me intimately and we had never been uncomfortable around each other before. Not in the beginning, not even in the end.

I started giggling out of nervousness, "Well, this is not awkward at all is it." It was a statement – not a question causing him to laugh as well.

"No, not awkward at all," he replied. The silence was too much to handle and I needed to get over to Rose and the rest of them. Not that it would be that much better – while we were all being friendly to support Rose and Emmett, things were still awkward with Edward's family.

"Well, it was good seeing you Edward." I said trying to sound normal – when I felt anything but normal. I gave him a weak smile trying to hide the sadness I felt as I turned to walk away from the love of my life. Again.

As I took the first step towards Rose, I felt his hands on my arms and before I could protest, he had spun me around and was pressing his lips to mine. I was shocked and for a moment couldn't move but as soon as I realized I had Edward's arms around me and his lips on mine, I threw myself into the kiss. When he realized I wasn't going to fight it, his tongue swept across my lips asking, no – not asking – demanding entrance – which I happily granted. Feeling his mouth on mine, feeling his tongue hungrily devour my mouth, feeling his arms holding me tightly against him, so tightly that not even a molecule of air would fit between us – made me miss him that much more. In that moment we weren't in a crowded club, we were alone in our own little world.

When we finally broke apart, I had tears flowing down my cheeks. Edward rested his forehead against my own.

"God, Bella," his voice was shaking. "I've missed you so fucking much."

"Edward," I said breathlessly from the tears. "I've missed you, more than you will ever know."

His arms closed around me again and then everything came flooding back into my mind. My birthday, when he stopped fucking me to answer her call. All the broken lunch dates, all the nights we spent together - Every time his cell phone would play Tim McGraw's "My Best Friend," he would answer it.

Hell the fucking ring tone should have told me everything I needed to know from the beginning – I was just too stupid to listen. Married men don't leave their wives for their mistress. Especially not men who are happily married and the fact that he never changed her ring tone should have been my first clue that I would never be first in his life. The only reason they weren't together now was she found out about me. So I steeled myself for the pain and began to break my own heart. Again.

"But it doesn't matter Edward, it's too late for us." I was fighting the tears as he pulled me closer.

His breathe hitched, "Bella, baby – please let's talk. – we don't have to make decisions now but we need to talk." He sounded almost terrified

No matter what I tried, I couldn't stop the tears that now flowed down my cheeks.

"Edward – talking won't change the fact that you didn't choose me." I choked out. "You chose her, time and time again – and while I may never truly be happy in a world where you don't exist as part of my life, I can't let myself be with someone who won't make me first in their life." I was sobbing now as I pulled myself from his arms and turned away from him.

"No Bella!" He shouted. And I turned around somewhat shocked.

"You don't get to walk away from me again. It was always you Bella. Always." Tears were flowing down his cheeks down.

I didn't even remember we were in the middle of a club surrounded by people. I even forgot that Edward and Emmett were owners of said club. I just stood there staring at Edward trying to understand what he just said. 'It's always been you' didn't fit with his actions and he expected me to believe it had always been me?

Did he think I was an idiot? And I apparently yelled just that as Emmett came up and whispered in my ear, "Bella honey – are you okay?"

I just shook my head and he led me away from Edward over to Rose. Alice was sitting there with tears in her eyes as was Rose. I couldn't grasp why. Alice had been so angry with me for so long yet she sat here crying.

I felt like I was living in a fog – nothing was real – nothing was making sense. Edward – Alice – I felt disconnected from everything. I didn't even realize we weren't at the club anymore. I was in Rose's living room again and I could hear voices but couldn't quite make out what they were saying.

"Bella, honey" A sweet voice said and I turned towards it. Now I'm confused again. Alice never sounds sweet when she speaks to me. She merely tolerates my presence.

She must have noticed my confusion because she brushed my hair back and spoke again.

"I never understood Bella. Not until I saw you two." She sounded awed. "I have never seen two people look at each other the way you and Edward looked at each other tonight. I didn't understand how he could do that to Tanya – truly I didn't think I would ever understand it. Bella – they were happy – or so I thought – but I have never seen Edward look the way he looked tonight when he saw you. Not even on his wedding day." Tears were flowing down her cheeks and I just kept staring at her.

"I was so angry because I was afraid of what you could have done to mess up my brother's life, Bella – but now I understand that you belong in his life and that without you – he would have never know true happiness."

I really believed I was dreaming at this point. In what world did shit like this happen? For months, years really – I lived my life being judged by these people, by being second place in Edward's life and now I felt like I was living life by about 60 WTFs per minute.

So I stood up and asked "What the fuck?" I asked incredulously. "Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people?"

Alice looked stunned and Rose appeared from down the hall. Emmett and Jasper peered out of the kitchen and I wondered briefly where Edward was. They were looking at me like I'd lost my mind. I was beginning to think I might have so I just went off.

'First and foremost, you all need to but the fuck out of my business right the fuck now. Whatever goes on between Edward and I is None. Of. YOUR. Fucking. Business." I emphasized each word to make sure they ALL understood. "I've put up with all the bullshit from you all for as long as I'm going to. I love Edward and always will but I will not tolerate the way ANY of you have treated me. I am not some low class harlot who deserves any of this." I wasn't sure where all of this was coming from but I was on a roll.

"I met a man and fell in love – I sure as fuck didn't plan on falling in love with a married man. I thought he felt the same way – I really believed he was "it" for me and I really believed he would choose me in the end. I didn't set out to hurt ANYONE but, quite frankly, I am the one that paid for it, even though I wasn't the only one involved. So you can all keep your opinions about Edward, or any part of my love life to yourself."

With that I marched down the hall into the bathroom and slammed the door for effect. Who were these people? I'm sitting here with a broken heart and they are telling me how happy Edward will be with me? The man never put me first, not once but they all think I'm going to take him back? I knew I needed to get out of here quickly. I couldn't be strong with everyone pushing me in the wrong direction but wasn't sure anyone would let me leave. I needed a plan. I needed someone I could trust to get me out of here. And then it dawned on me, the one person I know would come if called.

Gathering my wits, I quickly went out to the living room and grabbed my cell phone out of my purse. I quickly found the number I was looking for and hit send. As soon as I heard the hello on the other end of the phone, I looked up and there was Edward, those deep emerald eyes burning through me and I see could the emotions pouring from them. Suddenly the path I was choosing didn't seem quite so certain.


	15. Stronger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello? Hello! Is anyone still out there? Epic Fail. I apologize for my failure the last 10 months. I did what I hate… I started something and didn't finish it but I am about to rectify that. It's truly inexcusable and if you are still with me, I will see this to the end.
> 
> As we all know and many of us are jealous of - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I grateful for being able to play with Bella and Edward, and wish I could really play with Edward!

Previously

Gathering my wits, I quickly went out to the living room and grabbed my cell phone out of my purse. I quickly found the number I was looking for and hit send. As soon as I heard the hello on the other end of the phone, I looked up and there was Edward, those deep emerald eyes burning through me and I see could the emotions pouring from them. Suddenly the path I was choosing didn't seem quite so certain.

Chapter 15 – Stronger

"Marc, Let me call you back," I muttered into the phone, not really waiting for his response before I hit the end button. I took a deep breathe to steady myself and looked back into those piercing green eyes. We both just stood there for what could have been 5 minutes or 5 hours, neither of us saying anything. Edward was the one who broke the silence.

"Please Bella, just talk to me." He begged. "I know that I didn't do a lot of things right but please, just please hear me out." He sounded broken.

"Edward, I don't know what you can possibly have to say that will make any of this ok." I choked out as the tears flowed freely down my cheeks. "You chose her time and time again and I get it, I really do. She was your wife and I was just some girl you met in a bar and fucked."

Edward looked pissed, no, no pissed, enraged. "Damn it, Bella – you know you were never just "some girl" to me, much less some girl I fucked. I loved you, no – I LOVE you with all that I am." His words were angry and pained at the same time.

"Edward, I don't know how you expect me to believe that. Everything you have done for more than 2 years suggests otherwise." I was getting more and more frustrated with every passing second.

"Bella, babe, you knew it was complicated for me. I told you I'd figure a way to work it out and I was trying so hard to do it without hurting Tanya. She didn't deserve that."

I was fuming now. "Damn it, this is exactly what I mean. Everything was about Tanya, 'Tanya needs this, Tanya needs that, Tanya needs me home, I can't come tonight like I promised because Tanya wants…' Believe me Edward, I understood in the beginning BEFORE you promised me the world, YOUR world but damn it you never once did anything to fulfill any of the promises you made me. Hell – the last time we were together you stopped making lo.., I mean fucking me to answer her fucking call." The venom in my voice was clear. "I mean, seriously Edward, I didn't deserve what you did to me that night. I would rather you had taken a knife to my chest and cut my heart out because what you did hurt me far more. Of course that never mattered to you."

Edward looked ashamed in that moment and tears flowed down his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel second best. You were all I ever thought about and I was sure you knew how I felt about you and I thought you were secure in our relationship. I never thought about how all of that was affecting you."

"You are right Edward, you never thought much about me at all." My voice was resigned as I reminded myself why this was so bad for me.

"Bella, don't. I love you and need you in my life and I will do what I can to prove that to you. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for all that I put you through, for ever making you feel second best." His voice was shaky and unsure.

"Edward, I'm sorry but I can't go back there with you." I took a deep breath to steady myself. Edward began shaking his head uttering a litany of no's. "I have someone in my life now that actually puts me first. He's what I need Edward." I was sobbing hard by the time I got the words out of my mouth.

I pulled up my big girl panties and continued. "I gave you six months Edward, and while I should never had gotten involved with you while you were married, I did and continued only because I believed the lies. Those six months were the happiest I've ever been, and probably ever will be, which is very sad since I spent so much of that time crying because of the pain you caused me. I've spent the 2 years trying to recover from that and while I love you and I always will, I can't trust you Edward."

Edward was sobbing loudly and I couldn't bear to look at him so I looked down at the phone that I was still clutching in my hand. I stared down at the button that would bring my savior to me. Marc would come rescue me, of that I was certain. I needed him to take me away from all of this; the question was did I want him to.


	16. Stronger Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I was AWOL for so long and the update was shorter than my usual chapters, I'm posting another short one. In reading the story to refresh my memory, I've found some errors. Mostly typos so I'll go in and fix those as I update but in Chapter 11 it says May 2011, that should be 2012. Sorry for any confusion that may have caused.
> 
> As we all know and many of us are jealous of - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I grateful for being able to play with Bella and Edward, and wish I could really play with Edward!

Previously

Edward was sobbing loudly and I couldn't bear to look at him so I looked down at the phone that I was still clutching in my hand. I stared down at the button that would bring my savior to me. Marc would come rescue me, of that I was certain. I needed him to take me away from all of this; the question was did I want him to.

Chapter 16 – Stronger Part 2

My finger hovered over 'send' and was mentally willing myself to just press down on that button. I could get out of here and get away from this madness. But I couldn't make myself actually do it. Edward was right here, in front of me and while I knew there was no way I could go back again to the way it was, I also knew I needed him.

I thought back over the last 2 years. The first night we spent together was magical and I couldn't deny the pure, unadulterated passion that consumed us both. For a long time I convinced myself that he did choose me that night, but in reality he chose himself. I fought against the attraction but he made it impossible to say no. The phone calls that pulled him away from me time and time again would forever be etched in my mind. How could I ever get past those? I would never be able to listen to Tim McGraw again and damn it – I love that man. The stolen moments, those were heaven on earth. The promises that were broken; those were hell on earth. And my birthday… how could I ever forget what he did to me on my birthday. Did I mean that little to him that he could so easily pull out of me to answer the phone? His leaving that night didn't hurt half as much as that did. And let's not forget him calling me a whore for my drunken lapse in judgment in the bar that night. But that just serves to remind me that I was HIS whore after all was said and done.

My mind was reeling – thinking back to the night Emmett found out. Edward actually went to marriage counseling with her. He didn't come after me; he stayed with her and tried to make his marriage work. How does that equate to putting me first in his mind? He said I was all he ever thought about. That doesn't make sense to me.

With that revelation, I hit send on the phone.

"Hello, Bella, babe are you okay? You had me worried."

"Hi Marc" I breathed into the phone. Edward's head snapped up.

"Babe, I have some things to deal with tonight but I wanted to let you know that I was ok and that I'll be home tomorrow as planned."

"Babe, you sound like you've been crying." Marc knew me so well.

"Yea, I have been but I'll explain it all tomorrow. Don't worry about me, Okay?"

"Don't worry about you, are you crazy woman? I worry about you when you go out check the mail, so don't tell me not to worry about you when you've been crying. Do I need to come kick someone's ass?"

I giggled a little at that, Marc, always my protector.

Edward grimaced as I giggled.

"No babe, really I'm fine. It's just been an emotional week for me."

Edward's green eyes turned the darkest shade I had ever seen on him at the use of that pet name. I dare say I see jealousy and probably a little anger. That made my inner goddess very happy. I didn't make this call for revenge but having HIM hear ME on the phone with someone I care about… best feeling ever. It was quite possibly the worst too.

"I'll call you when I get to town tomorrow, but I need to run."

"Bye babe, and be careful coming home, I can't wait to see you."

"I can't wait either, Bye." I was almost whispering now. The euphoric feeling I had because of the pain I caused Edward was dwindling and now the guilt was creeping in.

Edward cleared his throat, "Since you are staying tonight, can we please sit down and talk Bella? I'm not asking for anything from you, but I need to at least attempt to set a few things right."

"Yes Edward we can talk, but I need to say a few things to the peanut gallery out there first." And with that I walked out into the living room to give the others a piece of my mind.


	17. Life After You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised you I would finish and I will. At first I had a tough time with this and then life got in the way. Kids, work, hubby… all demand my attention. And then I got involved in another fic that sort of sucked up my free time. (If you like angst, Mamasutra is great at it and The One That Never Was and the companion fics are quite addicting)
> 
> As we all know and many of us are jealous of - Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I grateful for being able to play with Bella and Edward, and wish I could really play with Edward but for now am stuck in my fantasy world!

Previously

"Yes Edward we can talk, but I need to say a few things to the peanut gallery out there first." And with that I walked out into the living room to give the others a piece of my mind.

Chapter 17

Tomorrow

I walked in and everyone was whispering to each other so while I'm not a paranoid person, I knew they were talking about me. Why else whisper?

"uuhmmm" I cleared my throat to get their attention and all heads popped up in my direction.

"Bella, uhm, we were just…" Alice started but I held my hand up to cut her off.

"Save it, I don't want to hear any of it." I snapped at the room. I was done with everyone else interfering in my life.

"Listen, and listen good, please." I began with my voice shaking. I was not good with confrontation.

"I said this before but I'm saying it again so you really understand…ALL of you," I waved my arms around the room for emphasis, "need to stay out of my business. You have all spent the last I don't know how long telling me how fucked up this whole thing is. Like I actually need you tell me. I got that long before you even knew what was going on." Emmett stuttered trying to interject but once hard glare in his direction quickly shut him up.

"Again people since you can't seem to get it. What ever happens from this point forward between Edward and I is NONE. OF. YOUR. FUCKING. BUSINESS." I emphasized each word so I was sure they would get the point. "I would suggest that if you don't live here, you leave, immediately. I have some personal business to attend to and Rose, please forgive me for being rude in your home but I really need time to figure this all out."

Even though I was pissed at her, Rose was ever the best friend. "Bella, honey, Emmett and I are going to leave you here tonight and go get a hotel room." Emmett started to protest but when Rose raised an eyebrow to him in a dare, he quickly backed down. He's such a big tough looking guy, but that woman owned him and he knew it. The defeat in his eyes anytime Rose corrected him was almost comical.

Rose quickly cut off my protests as well and before I had time to think, Edward and I were alone.

To say I was a little excited would be an understatement, but I was also terrified. I had no clue how to handle this. I had told myself that I would never settle again but I knew that anyone outside of Edward would be settling. No one had ever made me feel the way he did. Whether it was the flying high, nothing can stand in my feeling when he looked me in the eye and told me he loved me, or the wanting to die feeling when he left me to go home to his wife. These two extremes of emotions told me everything. The question is; can I ever feel good about being with him again? I knew what I was getting myself into that first night. I had met his wife for Christ's sake, yet I still invited him in: into by body and into my soul. Yes, he was pushy as hell, but truthfully, he knew what I really wanted and I couldn't truly blame him for not being any stronger than I was.

Edward was pacing the room, his hands, each alternating between running through his bronze locks and clinching at his side. He looked like a desperate man and maybe he was.

I sat down on the edge of the ottoman in front of Emmett's favorite chair. The couch was not an option. It gave Edward the chance to get too close and I knew that I stood as much of chance of resisting him now as I did that first night that now seems another life time ago.

"Bella" Edward stammered. I stared down at my hands as I rubbed them together trying to calm myself. My inner goddess mused "Like that is happening." And then the bitch chuckled.

"You know I love you Bella, you have to know how much I love you." He was pleading with me at this point. "I know I didn't do everything right, Hell I didn't do much of anything right if I'm really honest with myself." I took a chance and glanced up at him and his eyes were begging me to understand.

"From the moment I laid eyes on you in the club, something just clicked for me. You made me realize I was truly missing something in my life." He took a deep breath and I saw a lone tear run down his cheek. "God knows I fucked everything up but I will never, NEVER, regret that night Bella. It is one of the happiest memories in my life. The way you tried to convince yourself, and me that it was wrong, and maybe part of it was, but I've never felt so complete in my life and that couldn't be wrong. I was never a believer in soul mates or love at first sight, but I know, deep down in my soul that we were meant to find each other."

I was struggling to hold on as Edward continued to tell me how sorry he was for making me feel second best. I really couldn't hear half of what he said as I concentrated on each breath I took. I'd heard all the words before but the actions just didn't match up. I needed to know why he thought what he did was ok.

"Edward," I interrupted his apology, "I just can't understand. Truly, how can you expect me to believe all of this when everything you did makes it seem like the exact opposite? You tell me it was always me, yet every time the phone rang, you answered it. Every time she called, you went running, even when you promised ME you'd stay. None of this makes any sense. How would you feel, I' mean what if the situation was reversed and I was the one leaving you feeling like a second class citizen." His sharp intake of breath made me realize that he wouldn't have handled with as much grace as I had. "I think you might truly understand that 'actions do speak much louder than words' and you wouldn't have lasted as long as I did."

He didn't even try to disagree. He knew it was the truth.

"Edward, I knew what I was getting into and in the beginning I thought I could handle it. I probably would have never spoken up had you not answered the phone on my birthday. We'd probably still be carrying on in secret."

"Bella, NO. I know I fucked up that night I really did and I'm not even sure I get my own reasoning at that point anymore. At the time it made sense to me." He was back to pacing the floor with a vengeance. If he didn't stop tugging on his hair, he wasn't going to have any left and that would truly be a shame." In my mind Bella, you and I had forever and I felt so guilty about lying to Tanya and betraying her that I let her come between us. I never once left you because I was trying to put her first or because my feelings for her were more. It was out of pure guilt."

I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was fighting an all out sob fest as he continued.

"Tanya was truly a wonderful woman and wife. Sure she could seem a little snobby and bitchy, but honestly it was all part of her charm because she really wasn't." He looked at me sadly because he knew this would hurt me but he also knew I needed to hear it. "When Tanya and I got married, I never dreamed it wouldn't be forever Bella, but that's because I hadn't met you. And when you walked up those stairs that night, for the first time I looked at my wife, the one I promised to love, honor and cherish above all others in front of God and my family, and I saw flaws. I didn't see forever anymore. I don't know why other than you captivated me."

He took another deep breath and continued "I know it seems like I was ready to throw my life away when I came back that night, but I thought if I could talk to you a little while I'd realize it was just the testosterone talking and I'd go home and live the life I thought I was supposed to. But, God Bella, you were just so… so… Hell I don't have a word for it." He sighed at the memory. "But I knew when you ran into me on the way out of the club I was done for. You were it for me and I had to make it happen."

I looked at him in confusion. None of this made sense to me.

He continued while looking in my eyes, his own eyes begging me to understand and let him get through it.

"I had no intentions of anything more than taking you home safely that night when I first suggested it. But you were stubborn and the more you fought me, the more I wanted you. I needed you to feel what I did, the connection, the pull. I couldn't let you go without seeing if it was real for you too. And god Bella, I know it was. From the second our lips touched, I knew you were my forever. I meant what I said that night; I needed you in my life. I know I didn't move fast enough but I didn't want to hurt Tanya and I did love her Bella." He looked at me sadly because he knew by trying not to hurt her, he had destroyed us. "God Bella, I never wanted to hurt you – please know that I thought you were so sure of us, of what we had that you would understand. And the thought you didn't trust enough in what we had hurt me, but I know now that was my fault and failure, not yours."

As hard as it was not to say anything, I knew that I had to let him get through this; I had to hear it all before I could make any decisions about the future.

"I know you never saw any of it and I know what you saw will make this hard to believe, but it was one of the reasons Tanya called so often. I'd been pulling away from her, cracks were forming in our foundation and she was scared. I was trying not to just walk in and say 'Tanya, I'm in love with someone I just met and want a divorce.' – Maybe it would have been less cruel but hindsight is 20/20. I wanted you, NO - I WANT YOU forever and I always have and even though I was an insensitive shit who fucked it all up, I'm selfish enough to ask you for it now."

He took a deep breath and finally sat down across from me on the sofa. His eyes were begging for understanding and for forgiveness. While part of me understood, I needed questions answered.

"Edward, you say all of this but you went to marriage counseling with her. You left me that night knowing that it was over and didn't fight for me. You went home to her even knowing that if you walked out that door it was over. You never contacted me, you never did anything to make me think what you just told me is true. The one thing you did do was call me a whore." I regretted that before I even finished saying it.

He took a few calming breaths and began again.

"When I left you that night, I knew I couldn't keep doing that to you. I saw how bad I hurt you and I needed to make everything right before I could ask anything of you." He took a deep breath again and continued. "I told Tanya every thing that night I saw you…." A look of pain mixed with anger flashed across his face I knew what he remembering. "I was honest with her and she told me she wouldn't let me go with a fight, so I agreed to counseling. After what I said to you the night before and much I had hurt you, I was pretty sure I didn't stand a chance," he said wistfully. "I needed to figure out everything before we could move forward = the way we should have done it to begin with. When Emmett told me to stay away from you, I told him that he didn't understand, you weren't just an affair – that while I loved Tanya, it wasn't like the way I loved you. I tried to call and talk to you, but you refused to take my calls and then," he looked sadly up at me, "then you were gone. I spent that time getting my act together, trying to become the man I should have been for you all along. Bella, baby let me show you how good it can be, How we can be. I love you, I've never stopped loving you and I never will stop loving you. You are my life. Please Bella; let me prove that to you. I have no life with you"

I was sobbing uncontrollably by this point. I couldn't answer him. I couldn't because I didn't know how. While his explanation made sense, it didn't excuse anything. It didn't relieve the hurt he caused me, and I didn't know if I could ever forgive him. Suddenly, I felt him – in front of me, then I felt his arms, oh god how I missed those arms. For the first time in a long time, I felt whole so I let myself be weak in that moment. I didn't know if I could forgive him. I didn't know if I wanted to forgive him but right now, I needed the comfort those arms could provide so I let him pick me up and hold me. I would deal with the consequences of that later.


	18. New Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just grateful for being able to play with Bella and Edward, and wish I could really play with Edward - maybe my husband will want to role play? JK…sort of. *grins*
> 
> I'm horrible at review replies but I read and treasure them all! The recent chapters are generating a few more passionate reviews and I love that it's affecting people strongly. A lot of you feel that Bella is weak if she takes him back. I think Bella is struggling. She has been strong for 2 years and moved on with her life all while knowing no one would ever be Edward. Sometimes, IM(not so)HO, there is more strength in forgiveness and taking what you want vs. being afraid to be hurt and living a half life... In this story there are a lot of wrongs. We've known since day 1 – Edward loved his wife - Bella knew this – but neither could deny the pull they felt. I don't see Edward as the villain here necessarily - they were both wrong and both handled it poorly. Someone said Tanya was the only victim and I can't agree more.
> 
> I want to reiterate what I said earlier, I don't condone cheating. The song by the same name is where the idea came from so yes – it was designed to be about being the other woman. It's morphed a little as my original story was a one-shot and I had every intention of ending it when Edward left that night (at the end of Chapter 4).

Previously

Suddenly, I felt him – in front of me, then I felt his arms, oh god how I missed those arms. For the first time in a long time, I felt whole so I let myself be weak in that moment. I didn't know if I could forgive him. I didn't know if I wanted to forgive him but right now, I needed the comfort those arms could provide so I let him pick me up and hold me. I would deal with the consequences of that

later.

Chapter 18

Being in Edward's arms felt right. After our guilt riddled beginnings and forced separation, feeling his arms around me while he whispered it would be ok made me feel whole for the first time in two years. I let Edward hold me until I calmed enough to have a conversation. When I did attempt to remove myself from his arms I had to struggle a little to get him to let me go. Eventually he complied with my wishes and I'm not sure who hated it more. As whole as I felt in his arms, I felt just as lost without them around me.

I moved to sit a little further from him. I needed distance from him – someone needed to keep a level head because just acting caused both of us a lot of heart aches.

I have to accept Edward's reasoning because he was torn. Torn between 2 women he loved. I'm not sure how I can believe he loved me more because from where I'm sitting, he hurt me a lot more often than he ever did Tanya, but then again – he was married to her and I can't imagine what losing my husband to another woman would feel like. I'm sure that she wishes I would burn in hell because without me, I don't think Edward would have ever strayed. It may sound funny but Edward truly isn't the arrogant asshole type that cheats. I definitely am not the other woman type. There was just something that brought us together that we couldn't, or maybe didn't want to control. I've been attracted to men many times in my life and I'm sure some of them were married, but I didn't act on that attraction. Attraction was not what was between Edward and I – it was a connection I've never felt before and probably never will again – we couldn't NOT be together.

We both sat silently just looking at each other; neither of us sure exactly what to say at this point. This was the make or break moment and the tension in the air proved we both knew it.

Edward was first to break the silence.

"So, um, Bella,' he stuttered, "Do you think there is a chance for us?" If you need to me to walk out that door and never come back, Bella, I'll do it, I don't want to do and it will probably kill me but if it's what you need, I'll do it for you." He took a deep breath "Bella I didn't do right by you 2 years ago when I took you home that night, I didn't right by you the most amazing 6 months of my existence and I didn't do right by you when I let you walk out of my life but I'll be damned if I'll ever do any anything that isn't with your best interest in mind ever again. I'll spend my life making things right Bella, if you'll let me."

I took a deep breath before I said anything. I honestly did not know what to do here. I loved this man with everything I was but was this enough? I had a whole new life. I had someone who cares for me, well as much as he could at this point. I know that Marc has own Edward in his past and I' know if she came back – he'd say goodbye.

"Edward, I wish I could say that we had a chance but the truth is, I don't know." I took a deep breath trying to fight the tears forming in my eyes. I looked into Edwards's eyes, which were full of fear and regret, but I needed to be honest - and he needed to see that in my eyes before I continued. "I'm not going to deny that I love you with everything I am but I'm not sure we can ever get past this hurt we've caused each other. Edward, we did our best to destroy each other, not intentionally I know, but we both fucked it up bad and I don't know how to get past it."

Edward interrupted me, "Bella, honestly you did nothing I need to get past. I understand why you did everything you did, from what happened with Riley, to your leaving town – I get it and all of it… every last second of that time is all on ME and my behavior, not you. I get you may not ever get passed what I did, and didn't do, but don't you think it's worth a shot? Bella, we were so good together and I know we can be again. Let's start slow, really get to know each other again."

He paused for my reaction; I know he was holding his breath.

"So, you want to start as friends and see if grows from there?" I hedged, I'm not sure how that would work honestly – we were never just friends and I'm quite sure that would never work.

"I'm not volunteering to be your friend Bella, not even close. I won't pretend like that and you and I both know that's all it will be, pretending. I want you. Not as a friend, but as my everything. If we need to start back at square one and date so you can build trust in me and my feelings for you, I can do that, but I can't pretend to just be your friend."

"I don't know how I feel about that Edward; I have a life away from here. I have a man in my life that's good to me."

"Bella you know you.." Edward started to interrupt but I cut him quickly with a glare.

I quickly snarked at him, "If you'd let me finish my sentence Edward you'd know that I was saying that he's good to me but I know that we are settling for each other because we can't have who we want and he's well aware that if you ever came back I might be gone just as I'm aware that if Irina came back, he'd be gone before I could blink. Marc is not My forever. He's just Mr. Right now and he keeps me sane." I explained.

Edward looked somewhat relieved and pained at the same time. I must admit I was a little more than thrilled that he had to picture me playing house the way I had spent so much time picturing him with Tanya. It shouldn't have made me happy but it did and maybe that was a sign I wasn't willing to forgive and forget but I also know that I'd never be able to move on from Edward if I didn't try. I knew right then what I had to do.

"Edward, I'm not making any promises but I can't at least try. I promised myself I'd never settle again, and If I don't try with you, I'd spend the rest of my life wondering "what might have been" and I can't do that to myself."

Edward looked truly relieved and let out a breath that I'm sure he didn't know he was holding at that moment. "Bella, you won't regret this. I won't let you."

"Edward, I know I won't regret giving us a shot but I need to take care of things with Marc first. If we are going to try; we are doing it right this time around."

Edward smiled and agreed that we should get all of our ducks in a row before we started anything. If we were going to have a chance at a real relationship we had to do everything different. When he left, he didn't try to kiss me goodnight. We didn't make plans to meet up, we exchanged phone numbers with a promise to call and make plans soon.

June 2012

I was a little nervous. Rose and Emmett were getting married in 3 days and I was returning to Seattle for the first time since Edward and I spoke face to face almost 6 weeks ago. True to his word, he didn't push and let me lead. I went home and ended things with Marc. He was actually glad, he's met a girl, DeDe and thought he might want to pursue her. We left it with promises to keep in touch and remain friends, but we both knew that was the lie that everyone ending a relationship told themselves. Edward and I spoke on the phone a few times and I felt like a giddy school girl when he asked me to be his date to the wedding.

I smiled when I walked into Rose and Emmett's and saw Edward sitting there arguing with Emmett and Jasper over something. Alice and Rose were going over last minute details and both grinned up at me as I waved at the boys and made my way to the table to help. Our friendships would overcome the hurdles, We weren't totally there yet but we were on our way.

Edward smiled at me but didn't make a huge production of me walking in. He winked at me and went back to arguing over whatever it was they were discussing. It all felt so normal and in that moment I was happier than I'd ever been. I wasn't sure what the future held for us but I was more optimistic than I'd been in a long time.

The end….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay – maybe not the definitive happily ever after you wanted / or didn't want but it's where I felt best ending it. Yes I could go on and on for another 20 chapters about them getting back together but it seems overkill and has been done a million times!
> 
> Thanks for following my little story. I appreciate all the adds and recommend and comments. You guys are wonderful!
> 
> Tracy
> 
> P.S. I haven't asked for reviews but am a little perplexed that I've had close to 1000 hits today and just 2 reviews... I'd like to know what you think...
> 
> Tracy


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